The central heating timer
On the wall next to the boiler in the kitchen is a small, innocuous-looking, cream-coloured box with a "British Gas" logo. It sets the times for when the boiler comes on and off and it's a reliable little piece of kit, if a little archaic. It is also the noisiest and most irritating contraption known to man, producing a not-quite constant stream of whirrs, ticks, clicks and taps as if it was filled with daemonic clockwork made from discordant alloys of metal as yet unknown to human science. It's precisely the kind of background noise that is impossible to filter out.

Of course the real kicker is the knowledge that after living with it for three years, I'm basically just too lazy to find another one and fit it, which would finally allow me to take the noisy little bastard into the garden and smash it with a big hammer. So there it sits on the wall, taunting me.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 12:42, 17 replies)

I bet you find your boiler sexually attractive but it spurned your creepy robo-advances
which is the real reason you resent it so much.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 16:40, closed)

Can I also just say
that by spelling 'demonic' with an additional 'a', you come across like some kind of LARPing prick, in much the same way as doing the same thing with the word 'medieval' makes one look like a pompous pseudo-academic 'look at me' wanker.

I do hope this information is of use to you in your future life. I hope this finds you well.

Mx
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 16:49, closed)

Nice work filling in for Rory in his absence.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 18:14, closed)

I could probably write ten lines of code that would do the job just as well

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 9:55, closed)

Hey Monts, thanks for that, it's no doubt due to my reading a lot of Warhammer 40K books recently.
While we're swapping friendly advice, here's a kind of rule of thumb or guideline I tend to live by. It goes something like: any time you find yourself in the position of losing a custody battle with a crackwhore, you can pretty much consider your life an abject failure. Cheers.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 8:47, closed)

KERRR-ACK!!!!!
Clothesline!!!!

Chalk another one up to the ZINGMEISTER - this guy's unstoppable!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 10:00, closed)

How was your birthday party last week?
I would have come along but I didn't fancy spending the evening sitting in a shithole pub with a grown man crying and wanking underneath his clown suit. Still, I hope that gave you the chance for some quiet reflection on what a mess you've made of your life.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 10:07, closed)

It was fine thanks.
We all sat around in a Finsbury Park pub looking like creepy child-catcher nonces in 'sk8' wear, with pathetic balloons tied round our heads, wanking over ropey 'alternative' birds in C3P0 outfits.

Oh no, sorry - I'm getting 'me' mixed up with 'you' here. As you were.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 8:43, closed)

I love the way you keep saying "Finsbury Park" as if I live there
I did, however, move away from the utter shithole that is Bethnal Green as soon as I could afford to.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 12:54, closed)

I love the way that is is the only part of my post which you have accuracy issues with.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 13:31, closed)

No, I get it, I really do
After all, if desperate crackwhores are your type, why would you move anywhere else?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 10:07, closed)

POW!!!!!!!!!
Another devastating putdown from ZING THE MERCILESS!!!!!!

You're just....too.....good...............
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 11:30, closed)

It's like shooting a mouth-breathing, Sun-reading, deadbeat, loser fish in a barrel
repeatedly
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 15:54, closed)

BOOM!!!!! Look out everyone!!!!
The LORD OF THE ZINGS is here!!!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 17:11, closed)

A retarded, moustachioed, noncey fish that posts "ZING" when he can't think of a retort

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 18:36, closed)

RAAAARRRRGHHH
Watch out, Manhattan, ZING KONG is here!!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 8:22, closed)

"Mont"hattan, more like!

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 10 Oct 2012, 9:17, closed)