a fine roasting from the library of fatherly shite
Set the scene, I mum finally let my first girlfriend stay round and in the same bed as me. Great I hear you cry, mum works nights and Captaincuntybollocks is gonna get himself some good time teenage fumbling. My old man was out on the piss that night and I knew he would come back and cause a scene so I decided no to try and get my old boy wet until he had gone to sleep. Cue another three hours of entertaining my then gf waiting to bang the back teeth off her. The old man comes stumbling in at about 2am, the usual banter between him and himself goes on in the his cryptic northern Irish manner, which does make him sound like an Alsatian with laryngitis. but he finally fucks off to bed and ten minutes later it is followed by the obligatory thunderous Guinness and whiskey comedic fart.

Right, time to get to work. I put on my best wooing music, whispered sweet nothings in her ear, caressed her body with hands and tongue and then captain Birdseye slipped her the fish finger (such a teenage thing to do). After ten minutes of adolescent fumbling's in the dark I'm finally riding the camel toe wave and going at it like a mad possessed but always aware of doing it quietly.

Twenty minutes in and I'm on a winner but due to my intense concentration I was blissfully unaware of the impending incident. What happened next has probably mentally scared that girl forever. Due to my intense bedroom gymnastic workout I did not hear my drunken father awake from his sleepy hole. The fucker burst into my room, bollock naked, mumbling some bollocks about needing a fag and a piss and then proceeds to open my wardrobe, light up a fag and piss on all my clothes. he must have been drinking a lot that night because he was there for a while and lets not forget the usual semitone rise in another thunderous fart he let rip in my face. My GF was crying her eyes out and screaming while he was laughing like a drunken fool. He finished he pissed, muttered some more incoherent bollocks and left. GF wanted to leave and it took a while to calm her down and all time I was cleaning and comforting my gf all I could hear was his unbelievably loud snoring.

The fucker denied it the next day and my GF never stayed over again. from then on I put a lock on the inside of my room. But I have since learned that you are not a real man till you have pissed in your own cupboard while completely comatosed.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sat 26 Feb 2011, 18:24, 2 replies)

or on the bedroom radiator
after mistaking it for a urinal
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 26 Feb 2011, 22:11, closed)

Haven't done a wardrobe yet.
Did ruin my old laptop with drunken urination though.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 27 Feb 2011, 23:05, closed)