Sparky Sparky Lovely
Seems that approximately half the B3tan species have at some point decided that electricity is something that should be experienced as part of a properly rounded education. So here goes...

Aside from my mother's erratic wiring abilities leading to yours truly being found upside down in a hedge with a puzzled expression, there's one I did almost all on my own....

When I was a mere teenaged sprout, a fun weekend involved being dropped off in the middle of no-where with a big rucksack, an OS map, a couple of tins of beans and a clandestine copy of Mayfair (if solo) or a few cans of Mr McEwans foamy nectar (if in company).

We would amble over the countryside (no trespass laws in Scotland at the time), find a picturesque spot, bivvy up, set fire to some food and eventually attempt to sleep as the werewolves prowled.

So, so far we have got (a) teenage blokes (b) beer (c) fire (d) duff cooking and (e) supernatural flesh-shredding big hairy hard bastards. Plenty of opportunity for maiming fun you say, but where is t' lectric?

As we bimbled across the moors, there were fences to cross. Wire fences. And we were carring a fair weight, so it was of course the gentlemanly thing to do to hold down the top wire with all your strength while your mate climbed over, and vice versa.

Naturally, being cretins, it soon became an amazingly funny gag, nay a rite of passage into manhood, to let the wire go as your so-called friend was perfectly positioned.

The "THHHHHTTWANNNGTHWWAAPPP....AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH...YOOUUUUUCUUUUUUNNTT" kept the assembled sheep amused anyway.

Now, we had ruled out barbed wire, being sensible sado-masochists, and indeed had even grown tired of such merry japes. Even the sheep were looking bored by now.

So on to about the final fence of our route, about 10 miles have passed so far so the old leggies are getting a little weary and bounding over obstacles with the grace of Nureyev is no longer an option.

I throw one leg over....failing to notice that my associate is holding the wire down with, and this is the important bit, a stick...

"TTWWAAANNGGG.....TTHHWWAACCKK....AAAA...

...(look of horror over-rides pain of slapped scrotum)...AAAA....

...(eagle-eyes notes insulators on top wire)...AAAAA...

...(realises rucksack too heavy to spring fifteen feet into the air like startled gazelle)...AAEEEEEEEEIIIIIIKKKKKK...

...(eyes cross)...WAAAAAAAA....

...(falls sideways)...AAAAA....THUD."

"Whimper"

"You bastard"



Thankfully the battery must have been pretty tired or I wouldn't have been able to dump the bergan and limp off after my mate waving a big stick in a threatening manner so quickly. And then half a mile later, having failed to decorate the local bushes with his gently steaming entrails realising that I had to turn around and gimp back to where I had dropped my gear. Uphill.

Not my best day.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 14:06, 2 replies)

>clicky<
Very well written! I'm in a terrible mood and exhausted, having dug my car out of 15" of wet heavy snow and I don't want to go to work and wipe wrinkly old asses and snow fell down my neck and I'm cold and wet and I think I might be having a heart attack and I'm too fat to dig my own car out dammit and why the hell is my son sleeping when he could be helping his poor old ma and where was I?

Oh yeah, well done. You made me lolz. I can just see the wire thwak your gusset and "look of horror over-rides pain of slapped scrotum"

Hee hee. I feel so much better now.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 15:46, closed)

THHHHHTTWANNNGTHWWAAPPP
A perfect onomatopoeia! The sound of wire hitting gentlemen's bits!

In other news: Full office laugh there! Brilliant.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 10:51, closed)