Eastenders has got nothing on me..
I decided to again spend christmas and new year with my family, as I've done for many years previous. What's dumb about it, is that despite the fact I knew the entire period would be like an (more depressing/insane) Eastenders christmas day episode, I still came anyway, and as predicted I was soon regretting it. Now I've just got the raping from National Rail to look forward to, that will finally, get me back to relative normality.

Apologies for this intermittent break in humour, but man, my family really are that bad
(ShiftyBastard won the World Cup on World Soccer Champs 2010!, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 20:01, Reply)

Fuse boxes are dangeroux.
Was tidying away clutter from around the counter area at work. I know, i'll put it in the electrical cupboard, I tought. Big mistake. Without looking I fired the stuff in and stood up, straight into the underside of the open door from the metal fusebox. Left myself with a nasty cut and cranial bleeding. Didn't even get sent home.
(Evil Olaf, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 17:15, Reply)

as usual i thought long and hard before posting this...
when i was about 10 or 11 and just finding out what fun a stiffy is...
for reasons that still remain a complete and utter mystery to me...
i pushed a 10mm steel ball bearing down the japs eye of my erect todger...
and wondered why it wouldn't come out...
for 2 days...
had to use a magnet in the end, or should that be on the end...
and got metal splinters im my cock into the bargain...
it was very frightening indeeeeeed, especially when rusty stuff came out next time i had a wank...
and you are the first people i have ever told and that was 28 years ago!!!

and in reply to the questions raised...

couldn't pee it out, wanking was so painfull you wouldn't believe and in true scaredy-cat style there was no way i was going to tell anyone what i'd done. i mean, a steel ball bearing up the japs eye? you've got to be having a laugh???

as for length, about as long as it is now, give or take an inch but i gave up measuring it years ago...
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 1 Jan 2008, 17:14, 7 replies)

"Give you a fiver if you have a shot of petrol, Cable."
So we're out celebrating a mates 18th birthday last year and by about 1 in the morning we're all plastered, slurring our words and hugging each other like we were Greek lovers.

I'd been drinking more heavily than normal as I found the place we were in sold absinthe so I was pretty much on it all night and was rather gone.

As we were getting ready to leave someone pipes up "Cable, I'll give you a fiver if you drink these shots of petrol!" Now me being me (a very silly person) accepts this manly challenge of drinking and turns my attention to the challenge-issuer. Sat on the bar were five shots of petrol. How the hell they got there I don't know. My guess is someone either went and siphoned the stuff out their car or bought it from the petrol station round the corner.

Taking a seat at the bar I clap my hands together and begin the challenge. From what I can remember, petrol tastes fcuking horrible. It burnt the back of my throat and the after-taste wasn't anything to celebrate about. Being manly however, I neck the remaining four shots and prompty stand up triumphantly.

And rapidly fall over.

Now this is where the memory loss starts and I've had to piece together what I've been told. I apparently stumbled to my feet and started slurring so badly no one would understand what I was saying. I kept falling over so some kind soul had put me in the recovery position and they left me there whilst everyone finished their last drinks.

It was then decided that I'd be helped home by one of my mates and I was promptly pulled to my feet and dragged home. Along the way my actions included, but where not limited too: Trying to put wheelie-bins on car roof's, struggling to run away to Albania, and assaulting my mate. When we reached home I was slung on the sofa giggling like a little girl and left to my own devices.

I woke up at around 8am. I looked down at myself and saw my entire t-shirt was drenched in my own vomit. I haphazardly stood up and found that my puke extended all over my jeans, the rear side of my t-shirt and a great deal of the sofa. I was feeling fine though, so I filled a jug up with warm, soapy water and cleaned up my mess and then took myself off to bed.

I woke at around 3pm with the worst hangover in the entire world. It felt like my head was being repeatedly cloven in two by an axe and it was hell. My mum found it hilarious (not knowing that her first-born had been ingesting petrol) and started reciting various M&S food adverts. Which made me rush to the toilet to hurl my guts out.

For about a week I was violently ill with a terrific headache and hourly bouts of sickness, not to mention not being able to recall much that had happened in the past month. So yea, drinking petrol is my most dumbest moment :D

Sorry for the length - its about 2 miles walk from pub to my house.
(CableDolt is on the mind of a girl near you on, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 15:11, 9 replies)

Cows
As a young(ish) child, I decided to climb under an electric fence to say hello to some cows in a field.

I get electrocuted by the fence so have to lie flat into the ground to prevent further shockiness.

This is when the cows start heading towards me.




Cows are scary.
(CakeCat, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 14:04, Reply)

Burds r stoopid!
I think I shall go down to the postbox and collect our post (we had an American style postbox at the bottom of the garden, to save the postie from having to walk uphill to the door).

There appears to be a dead bird on the patio. Must have flown into the window. Muppet.

(goes down, collects post, goes back inside again)

I wonder if that stupid bird is still there. How stupid can you be for hitting your head on a window?

(tries to look outside)

(clonks head on window)

Probably should have opened it first.
(Dusty Pigeon, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 10:12, Reply)

THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST NEW YEARS EVAR!
FUCK ALL DUDE
I partied down. I was getting ready to walk to a friends house and my mate's girlfriend gave me mace in case anything happened....BAD IDEA.

One of my best friends used to be in the military so she convinced me to spray mace in her eye. I KNOW! Stupid drunk arse idea.
I did it anyway...after I sprayed her forehead and she wiped what she could off of it before it went into her eye she shut her eyes with an "OH FUCK, PIMP!!" (yea, she calls me pimp) Whilst trying to grab onto something she grabs my face and wipes the mace into my eyes...cue both of us crawling to the bathroom gasping, gagging and tearing up.

I hate to say it...but it was fucking awesome.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 9:51, Reply)

Not me ,the wife......honest.
After bieng with my girlfriend for over a year and finding out she was pregnant,we decided to get a house together,
After aquiring a shitty council house we settled down to unmarried bliss.
After a few months of bieng together, things got a little crazy one day when my lovely girlfriend took exception to my music being too loud,after refusing to turn it down she thought she would fight fire with fire and play the stereo upstairs louder.It didn,t.
.
.
.
.
Now I knew she was a bit crazy when we got together (she must have been to pick me )and putting a nice little twist in my nose after headbutting me for no reason ,twice!
Hearing her THUNDEROUS footsteps coming down the stairs disapear into the kitchen???? SHE THEN APPEARS WITH A FUCKING CARVING KNIFE!!!
fearing the worst she brushed me aside and heads for the stereo and grabs the stereo cable and starts hacking away at it.
HER FACE WHEN THE CABLE AND KNIFE EXPLODED IN A SHOWER OF SPARKS WILL BE FOREVERE REMEMBERED.

After taking the knife off her and calming her down we kissed and made up,and 17 years later we are still together,married 2 kids.How I dont know ,but thats love for you.........
(andycrass loves two hats on, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 8:45, 1 reply)

Management rush
A few decades a go, I was working out in Sunny Sinai doing facilities maintenance steelwork.

One regular request was for cutting old oil barrels for use as road blocks, BBQ's and crap receptacles.

We didn't have the proper facilities for steaming and nitrogen purging. The make-do solution was to wash out and empty any contents into a sand trap, blow compressed air into the barrel for at least 2 minutes then make the cuts.

Not the most elegant solution, but it worked.

I demonstrated the procedure to the local workers and made sure they understood by having them show me the correct procedure. It took about 1/2 an hour per barrel.

While I was on Christmas leave, an order for 50 barrel modifications came in to the workshop.

Riffat (for it was he) started the work following the procedure I had shown him. One of the manager types decided the work wasn't going fast enough and decided the barrels could be cut directly without purging the contents.

When I returned from leave, the joiners supervisor told me he had seen Riffat approach a barrel with the oxy-acetylene torch. There was a flash and bang, fortunately Riffat wasn't standing over the barrel as it shot up in the air.

Luckily, Riffat escaped with a few minor burns and had enough sense to refuse any further barrel cutting work until I came back off leave.

I wasn't too happy about the managers (ex blanket stacker) intervention that nearly killed Riffat.

Another manager told me it was perfectly safe to weld on live fuel lines! So I set up all the gear then called over Hino (for it was he). I told him to show me how safe it was, just give me enough time to get to a safe distance as I wanted to record the moment on camera.

Not surprisingly, he bottled out and the job was put out to the cheapest contractor.

If a fool (manager) asks you to do something stupid, ask them to show you first, from a safe distance.
(alanrbnsn, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 4:52, 1 reply)

I think something's terribly, terribly wrong!
While all of you are celebrating 2008, it's still 2007 here. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe if I hit my monitor a bit.

*

*


***

Nope. OMG, I think I must have slipped through a rip in the space-time continuum.

Halp!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 4:48, Reply)

I've just spent the New Year with my family
I'm heading to bed, but there's just time for a New Year related story that fits in with the QOTW.

My blonde sister's resolution for New Year was to give up alcohol for the whole of 2008. She hadn't drunk all night, but, when the clock struck twelve, she picked up a glass of wine and toasted the bells with the rest of the family, breaking her resolution approximately 2 seconds into the New Year.

That's gotta be some kind of record.




P.S Happy New Year to each and every one of ya. Hope you become rich, sleep with whomever you fancy and get to kick James Blunt in the balls at least once in 2008.

Peace out
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 2:52, 4 replies)

another "not me" but dumb nontheless
What is the easiest, most "out of sight, out of mind" way to clean spaghetti off of carpet?

a vacuum cleaner.

just think about how dumb that is for a moment. and then picture a 25 year old that doesn't have the mental capacity to realise how dumb his idea was.
(BLuFFaLo, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 2:12, Reply)

Boys and Spiders
While it wasn't a dumb thing i did, i definitely got into trouble for it.

i made friends with a kid that wasn't particularly bright. he came over after school, and we we're playing in the backyard and ended up putting ants into spiderwebs. australia does have some nasty spiders, but they are pretty neat to watch.
anyways, apparently he went home and found some spider webs in his yard, and went to search for something to feed to the spider.
a mosquito was buzzing around, landed on his arm, and he squished it. rather than pick off the flattened mozzie and flick it into the spider's web, he just placed his arm into the web, and i guess, expected the spider to trundle down his web, pick his tasty treat off the kids arm, take it away and eat it.

obviously, he got bitten.
(BLuFFaLo, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 1:41, Reply)

Posted an entirely off-topic story in the hope of eliciting some sympathy from fellow b3tans
40 hours ago, I boarded a plane in San Jose, Costa Rica for a 10 hour flight to Madrid with a Spanish-based airline whose name may or may not rhyme with "Siberia".

I hate this airline. On a 12-hour flight from Madrid to Mexico City a few weeks previously, they had deigned only to give us two tiny glasses of water for the entire journey, which I'm pretty sure is some sort of human rights violation. They had also played really shit music of little kids singing Spanish Christmas carols for half an hour after take-off and half an hour before landing, which was bad enough to make anybody consider infanticide. I was already a bit apprehensive about the return journey.

So I boarded the plane, found my seat in the middle next to an overweight Honduran lady (pay attention - this is an important detail) and settled down for ten hours of fun.

An hour into the flight, I began to feel a little queasy. I forced myself to eat some of my dinner, reasoning that it was all I was getting for the next several hours. Big mistake. I drank the only glass of water I would get until breakfast.

I waited.

I didn't feel any better.

In fact, I was feeling much worse. The contents of my stomach were threatening to make their way back into the outside world with alarming speed.

It was then that I discovered that the lady sitting next to me was too large for me to even consider squeezing past, and refusing to get out of her seat. So I jumped over her and legged it to the bathroom.

Then I discovered that the contents of my stomach weren't actually going to make a hasty exit at all, and I was going to spend the next hour or two in the bathroom trying to vomit.

After some time I began to feel inexplicably better and returned to my seat (jumping over the Honduran lady again). Two minutes later I was DEFINITELY about to vomit, spectacularly and uncontrollably within the next few seconds. I grabbed a sick bag, leaped over my seat mate, made an undignified dash for the bathroom and *just* made it in time.

It was probably the most unpleasant vomiting session of my life. It was so acidic that it felt like someone had taken a blowtorch to my throat. When I emerged shaking from the bathroom half an hour later, I tried to find a stewardess - surely they would give me some water under the circumstances. But I could only find one sitting alone at the back of the plane, and she was asleep. And I was too much of a wuss to wake her up. Besides, I was about to vomit again.

This happened several times over the next couple of hours, through some pretty unpleasant turbulence I might add. I kept thinking I was feeling better, that there couldn't possibly be anything left in my stomach, returning to my seat, and then having to jump over my seat mate and sprint to the bathroom again. Passengers who were awake were watching the action unfold with increasing fascination, disgust and sympathy. For most of the time, I just stayed in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet listening to my iPod, without which I'm sure I would have gone completely bonkers, and occasionally turning round to vomit.

Finally, I emerged from the bathroom for the umpteenth time about 8 hours into the flight to discover that finally they were serving breakfast. I got myself a glass of water and went back to the bathroom, to discover that they were all occupied. So I sat myself down on one of the chairs just outside the toilets that the stewardesses sit in for take-off and landing. A few minutes later, one of the stewardesses serving drinks strode up to me. Now, I was sitting outside the bathroom, looking like death, shaking, shivering, clutching a sick bag in one hand and gingerly sipping a glass of water with the other. So I thought it a reasonable assumption that she was coming over to offer me some sympathy and ask if there was anything I needed. Not to tell me off for sitting in her chair, which was what she proceeded to do. I just gawped at her and stood up like a good girl.

A couple of hours later, it was time to go back to our seats for the long-awaited descent to Madrid. About five minutes before landing, I felt the urge to vomit AGAIN, despite the fact that I had puked up the water and had literally nothing left in my stomach. I was buggered if I was going to chunder into a sick bag in front of everyone. I leaped over Fat Honduran Lady for the last time, skidded past the rows of bemused passengers, any attempts the stewardesses tried to make to usher me back to my seat were met with a desperate "VOY A VOMITAR!!!" I think they concluded that it was best for all concerned if they let me use the bathroom.

Remember the shit Christmas music I said they played during take-off and landing? Well, whilst my entire body was convulsing with the supreme effort of ejecting the now-scant contents of my stomach, the soundtrack of my vomiting was a bunch of odious children singing, "Navidad, navidad, hoy es navidad!" (goes to the tune of Jingle Bells, to give you some idea of just how annoying it was).

Then the diarrhoea hit, just in time for the flight from Madrid to London.

I defy anyone to tell me they've ever had a worse journey than that. And now it's New Year's Eve, and instead of being out partying, I am stuck at home eating dry toast and reading b3ta.

So, um, stupid things I've done?

Flying with "Siberia"
Getting stomach flu
Co-ordinating the above
Thinking that b3tans might give me sympathy
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 1:28, 11 replies)

New Year
I was online at exactly new years and decided to post and wish everyone a happy new year! How sad :(
( MadAdamUk was last alive on, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 0:00, 11 replies)

Well, I downed the best part of a bottle of bubbly...
... and got the first post in 2008.

Happy New Year, folks...

I'm so sad.
( bierbelly, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 0:00, Reply)

This may sound like
a stupid idea but:

Lots of people this year seem to be alone and uncontent. Why not arrange to meet up with other like-minded people next year?
(Evilweevil is covered in bees, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 23:44, 1 reply)

seemed like a good idea at the time
me+baseball bat+half a gallon of gas and a match+bee's nest= ANGRY FLAMING BEE BALL

I seriously thought this was a good Idea, until I got stung nearly a hundred times
(Rated Arrr for pirates and nudity, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 23:22, 2 replies)

Not going out tonight...
I'm 17, and on New Years day all of my mates are going out. However due to the fact that im born in bluddy August, I would get ID'd on a busy night, such as this one.

I'm quite angry at the fact that I have to stay in with my parents, don't they say start the year as you mean to go along? I'm well and truely buggered already. No chance of getting off with some smart girl in my house is there :(

My New Year's Revolutions this year will be to A. Finally hook up with Shelly, B. Become more socially active ( I am already but it can't hurt to be more), and C. Start to drive!
Well thanks for reading everyone, my first ever post :P

Kind Regards,

Scobro.

Happy New Year!
(Scobro is still here..., Mon 31 Dec 2007, 22:11, 7 replies)

D'oh!!!
just realised i left my phone at the missus' works with no way of getting it until thursday. No idea of any family / friends phone numbers so can't send drunken texts after midnight and leave dodgy messages .

Actually may be no bad thing.

Happy New Year Everyone
(brocky, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 21:37, Reply)

Dumb?
I've just quit my job, i have no social contacts, i'm addicted to weed, i have a pair of depressive and alcoholic parents. Oh yea, and i'm sitting here, alone, drinking beer. I feel Dumb.

Happy New Year ppl
(Jindrak, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 21:26, Reply)

Sums
I thought 8+8=16 once.
God I was stupid.
(murlo, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 21:25, 3 replies)

a couple of times...
...I've managed to punch myself really hard in the face while getting undressed, or even just pulling the duvet up a bit.

I also once had a faulty oven that kept pouring out gas when the pilot light thingy went out. I noticed a smell of gas coming from the oven and thought to myself: "I know how to get rid of that gas without going to all the trouble of opening a window. Yes, I'll just light the oven. that'll burn off all the gas a lot quicker".

It did.
(Mary Mandolin still had it on, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 20:05, Reply)

Mornings suck
Quite a while ago now (2+ years ago), the bulb in the light directly above my bed went out inexplicably. I thought ...hmm, maybe if I flick the switch a few times it will go back on again... not surprisingly, that didn't work. I then came to the conclusion that the bulb had blown, so I removed said blackened bulb and went to find another one. Unfortunately, at the time, there weren't any spares, so I left the blown bulb by the front door to remind myself to pick one up when I next went into town. The day went by without any further delays, and eventually I ended up in bed, asleep.

I then woke up on a nice sunny morning, began my usual morning stretc...ARGH! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL! SOMEONE'S STUCK MY FINGER IN A BLENDER!!!111!! OWW!

That's right kids, I'd managed to stick my finger into a live bulb socket after forgetting whether the switch was on or off and then removing the bulb.
It's a great way to wake yourself up though.

Merry Christmas and whatnot.
(Stinky Wizzleteats Should probably be doing something more productive, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 20:05, Reply)

Worked
when a teenager in an amusement arcade,and I was emptying cash from a machine. It was live, ie, still switched on, and I had a large bunch of metal keys dangling from my little finger.
The shock sent me across the aisle, smacking my head badly. And my arm was sore for ages.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 31 Dec 2007, 19:19, Reply)

Much like thatblokeoverthere
and a number of other B3tans, I am going to be on my own this year. I will probably watch the Godfather part II and maybe have some wine. Then I shall go to bed and cry myself to sleep :p

On topic, I can't really think of anything particularly dumb that stands out. I've done the usual stupid things as well as some less usual stupid things, but I got away with the really spectacularly stupid things, so they don't really count :(
( Kroney, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 19:17, 1 reply)

re-hash from previous QOTW
just imagine a happy, smiling, pretty little ten-year-old girl. that was me, that was.
until that fateful day.
upon deciding to go to the sweet shop, i decided to ask my brother if he wanted to go with me. i found him outside, playing with his friends, rolling each other around in a HUGE concrete pipe.
here comes the stupid part: i didn't bother to keep an eye on where this pipe was going in connection with my foot, so connect with my foot it did. it rolled right over my foot, crushing it flat. the pain hit about 4 seconds later, as my foot ballooned to hulk-like stature, ripping my shoe off as it grew. in fact, it grew so fast that the top of my foot burst open, forcing little meaty bits of flesh out. nasty doesn't quite cover it.
now, i've always had a high tolerance to blood, even my own, but my brother hasn't. i had the hulk's foot, he had the hulk's skintone. gritting his teeth against his rising lunch, he did the brotherly thing and helped me up.
then he told me to try to walk on it. this is why i have many small scars on my knee, caused by bits of gravel embedding themselves into said knee as i hit the deck.
eventually, i got home and an ambulance was dispatched immediately.
in hospital, i was told that there was nothing much that could be done for my crushed foot or my 3 broken toes. they applied a "backslab" to the bottom of my foot, which is like half a plaster-cast. i was then put to bed at an angle of about 45 degrees, in order to allow my bones to fall back into place. i was left like this for 3 days, in a room next to a baby who wouldn't stop crying. this may explain why i've never wanted children.
anyway, 6 days total in hospital, 8 weeks on crutches, a scar in the middle of my foot that i could drive a nail into without feeling it and permanent bruising. this is what i get* for not having the sense to keep an eye on a pipe that weighed a couple of tons.

*also got £1300 after sueing the council for negligence. it was their bloody pipe!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 18:37, 2 replies)

Die You Buggers....Oh My God
In my old house I had a lovely York stone fireplace which housed a gas fire with an incorporated back bolier for my hot water and central heating.
Every Summer I would be infested with ants crawling from every conceivable crack and orifice in the fireplace.I tried antpowder but this just made a mess so off I trot to the local Hardware shop where I am sold an aerosol can of "Instant Death" ant killer (or something like that). Back home I am ready with an evil glint in my eyes and start to destroy the little bastards, this stuff really worked, they were tumbling down the fireplace dead as you like. Unfortunately I had totally forgotten the back boiler, or to be more precise, the pilot light for the back boiler and a cloud of "Instant Death" made it's way steadily towards it until it ignited.
I then had the fireplace, the chair, the carpet, the can of "Instant Death" and my hand on fire. Ran to the kitchen, dunked my hand and can into the washing up bowl and ran back in withthe bowl and poured dirty soapy water over everything.
I still really hate ants.
(chuffchuff, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 18:24, 1 reply)

electrocution?
falling over backwards and with one flailing arm, grabbed onto the nearby fence which turned out to be electric. held on for dear life but couldnt push myself upright so just let go of the fence and fell on my back. my heart wouldnt stop beating so fast and the palms of my hands hurt for days. ack!
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 18:15, Reply)