8 inch commute saves shit stripper from life of prostitution
So I've done years in call centres, harrasing gullible old ladies of an evening to buy first aid kits and extensions on their catalogue repayments.
I've worked for four years in McDonalds and only achieved two stars.
I've grafted in the local radio industry for ten years, writing inane adverts, annoying jingles, and getting managerial bollockings every two days for my 'exuberant personality.'
I've worked hard and always earned SHIT MONEY.

So when I got made redundant from my radio job due to the credit crunch, I thought it was the end of the world. I applied for many unsuitable jobs, and even did a highly unsuccessful stint as a stripper (trust me, I'm not half bad to look at with top legs and even topper titties, but strangely, getting a dance is more about what you SAY to the guy, not how pert your teats are. Seems the gents don't like to be outwitted by smart ladies - I earned FECK all. In fact, I was about to go and work in one of the less respectable clubs where 'touchy feely time' is allowed before I got rescued from an unlikely source)

I spent a fairly pleasant ten months out of work, writing my book and attempting to show my nudie bits to unwilling men, and then...my redundancy pay ran out. FUCK.

On the day this happened, I got THE FEAR. Don't send me back to the dark place! I'm an office retard, I can't brew up and I say offensive things to my colleagues that I think are piss funny.

And then it came and saved me. BINGO! A mate of my brother's needed some SEO articles writing for his bingo site - they paid well and I could sit on my arse at home, no phonecalls off clients, no irritating colleagues, no shit for me to put my foot in with management.

And here's the easy bit. After just 8 months, I now have a £32k per year client list, and all I have to do is get up in the morning, commute EIGHT INCHES to my desk and dictate 10 - 15 inane little articles in to a bluetooth headset which speeds up my writing by 300 - 500%.

I can now churn out about one every 5-10 mins - and work is plentiful and easy to find.

I feel so guilty that others have to actually commute, work/live down mines for four months at a time/milk turkeys - and the best thing about it? I can work anywhere in the world as long as it has wifi and BEER.

Love from Vicky, currently travelling the US of A with a laptop on her knee.
(Radio Vicky Anyone cool Brits live in Ibiza?, Sat 11 Sep 2010, 3:01, 9 replies)

Gonna beat broadsword to it...
I like breasts




Edit: click
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 11 Sep 2010, 4:20, closed)

Shame no man's had his hands on them for over a year.
What a bloody 32E WASTE OF quivering, pert flesh they are.

Sigh. (and maybe a 'tweak')
(Radio Vicky Anyone cool Brits live in Ibiza?, Sat 11 Sep 2010, 7:58, closed)

You're either the best troll ever
or attention seeking. Either way, carry on. I like the big anime-style power up of the Pandatron.
( Bats, Sat 11 Sep 2010, 9:26, closed)

I smell a contender for the archive.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Sat 11 Sep 2010, 9:15, closed)

Gets my vote...
Click. Good for you.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 11 Sep 2010, 10:07, closed)

What woman wouldn't be attention seeking
after a whole year with no one in the sack? JESUS. And to cap it all, after years and years single, I've finally met someone I fancy (a cosmologist Brian Cox-type)and nervously propositioned him - turns out he's only in a bloody open relationship!

But it gets weirder. I asked him to come back to my place - so he's coming tonight. Finally - I'm going to get a lay (or so I thunk!)

Turns out this open relationship of his is quite unusual, as it doesn't really involve sex???!!! Cuddling and massage so he tells me...Jesus, you should see the email thread. BAFFLING AND BEEEEZARRE.

So anyway, he's coming round tonight (I am -8hours GMT) and my sexy-fate hangs in the balance. Will I finally get it? Or will I just be left with oily shoulders and a damp patch? (where the oil spilled, of course)

I may be new to the board, but by god I intend to abuse it.

(Too rude for Facebook as my prude brother tells me)
(Radio Vicky Anyone cool Brits live in Ibiza?, Sat 11 Sep 2010, 17:20, closed)

I dont believe you about the boobs and legs.
I require pictures as proof.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sat 11 Sep 2010, 23:12, closed)

I may have the above mentioned, but HTML skills or what ever they are...
are way below par. Check www.myspace.com/happyaccidentrock for filthy rap tunes and me on the radio with Frank Sidebottom. There is even a pic of me wearing Frank's head, which I tentatively snuck on my site after he passed.

It stunk in that thing - full of reeking black foam and head sweat.
(Radio Vicky Anyone cool Brits live in Ibiza?, Sun 12 Sep 2010, 1:23, closed)

Hur hur hur.

Booooobies.

I like boobies.

I do hope that hasn't come across as being creepy and all, eh what?
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 18:10, closed)