Mr Brady
This is a bit of a pearoast from a few weeks back but it fits quite nicely here.

One day whilst working in the library, the sliding doors opened to reveal a man who looked exactly like Hitler. He quite evidently had no natural hair upon his head, yet he wore this very cheap, crude black wig in a side parting and a moustache that would slowly rotate clockwise every so often if he didn't constantly adjust it. He wore an immaculate suit and spoke like a clipped Kentish WW2 wing commander. It turns out he was originally from Dorset too, which was weird since this is the kind of town where "we don't get many strangers round these here parts" (except Polish people, Iranian people, Russians etc).

Now obviously, someone who wears a cheap Hitler wig and a moustache that rotates (and also seemingly appeared and disappeared from his face several times a day), can't be playing with the proverbial full deck. But unlike our regular psychopaths, he never threatened or tried to kill/rape/stalk any of us, and this made him a bit of a curiosity to us all.

His quirkiness began only slightly. He would come up to us every day asking for extra time on the computers and claiming he was an IT engineer and he'd be happy to fix our computers for us (he reckoned he could make our network 500% faster). This does beg the question - why would a qualified IT engineer come into the library every day for 2 years to use our computers which are slower than a date raped Jade Goody. This eventually got annoying to the point he'd pull a screwdriver out of his pocket and in the end I got cross and told him to leave our computers alone or I would have to ask him to leave.

Next up came the revelation that he was something of a religious fella. During the big floods of a couple of years ago, he rather helpfully told my colleague that Jesus was getting in through the raindrops to kill everyone. I was unaware that Jesus possessed the same skills as the baddie from Terminator 2.

Next up, the phonecalls. At 9.33am every day the alarm clock tone would go off on his phone. He would then answer it and have a one way conversation. It was always some huge job offer and every day he would decline for the following reasons.

- He wouldn't be willing to work for as little as £150k a year.
- He was manager of all the banks in Dubai.
- His secretary hasn't been getting his calls to him.
- He's a qualified IT engineer.

Now this is kind of odd, because at this point I thought he might be homeless. but one day I saw him get into a really fancy car and drive off. He even told me a couple of weeks later that he loves marching band music so much it makes him cry, and he often just drives around town listening to it and crying.

So thus far, we have a man who looks like Hitler, who claims to be an IT engineer used to a 6 figure salary, who does appear to have at least enough money to own a £30 grand car, who comes from Dorset and believes Jesus can appear in liquid form.

Now I left the library at the beginning of this month and by the time I left his behaviour had gotten weirder. The suits were still worn, but were often dirty and ill fitting. His wig was being worn at a jaunty angle, and he started turning up with a child's Postman Pat umbrella, which he was viciously possessive of. He once left a letter behind from a psychiatrist saying he was long overdue an appointment. One afternoon, completely at random he threw a chair to the floor and then sat down as though nothing had happened.

The last I heard, he'd asked my former boss out. She is blonde haired, blue eyed and has child bearing hips...
(GONEism, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 9:46, Reply)