The older members of my family
Being half Iranian means I don't get to see half of my extended family very often, but when I do I realise where the genes that make me find you arse whipes so funny come from.

I haven't seen my grandma much in my lifetime. Her age and the regime in Iran make travelling very difficult so she's only come to the UK a couple of times, but when she has I'm always left with moments to remember. I remember her years ago watching me and my cousins going through a newspaper drawing crude cocks at every opportunity, and her finding this just fine for a bunch of ten year olds to do for entertainment.

More recently though, she was in an airport somewhere transferring flights with a long wait. Having just had an operation on her knee so she wasn't in the best state. However, she used this to her advantage by requesting (god knows how, she only speaks Persian) a man to come and push her around in a wheelchair for the period before her flight. He does this for two hours as she goes from shop to shop as old people do, looking at things that really aren't that exciting. When it came to her being taken back to the station where all the wheelchairs were kept, she jumped out of her chair Little Britain style, wheeled it back to its position and walked off.

When she arrived in the UK, my dad picked her up to take her home. It had been a long flight, so they stopped at a service station for her to go to the toilet. It was only after they were back on the motorway that Granny Sebastiano brandished her knickers in her hand, explaining she needed more of a breeze.

As my Persian doesn't stretch beyond swear words, my communication with her is limited and mostly takes form through my dad who acts as a translator. It was slightly out of the blue then, when dinner conversation had hardly got underway, when she starts things off with "so, how often do you wank then?'" How then hell do you answer a question like that?

Things were even worse when I took a trip to California two years ago. I was at my great uncle's house, brother of the grandmother in question. I don't think I got as much as a "hello, welcome to San Diego" before he sat me down in front of various relatives I'd never met before and said to me "I'll give you $50 to show me your dick." Amidst it all, I seem to remember replying "make it $100 and you've got a deal".

Length? You'll have to pay me to find out.
(Sebastiano, Sun 2 Nov 2008, 20:47, 1 reply)

*Click*
For your lovely nanna..
and the elegant ripost to your great uncle
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Sun 2 Nov 2008, 22:13, closed)