Various Injurious Twattery
1. On the way to the shops, I decided to take a running kick at a cardboard box on the grass beside the path, not realizing that under the box was a large rock. Luckily nothing broken.

2. When I was about 10, we made a rope swing out of a heavy tow-rope with a loop at each end by throwing the rope over a branch then putting a bit of wood through both loops to sit/stand on. All very nice until some idiot (guess who) decides to throw convention to the wind by removing the bit of wood, placing one foot in one of the loops then holding the other end of the rope, thereby whisking his feet out from underneath him and landing flat on his back like a right twat.

3. One Xmas after working my last shift as a temp in the head Post Office in Edinburgh, I went out and got fairly plastered before getting the bus home. About 10 yards from the bus stop, I slipped on some ice and went horizontal in mid-air before suddenly not being in mid-air, face first and landing on top of my left hand. I was lying face down for I don't know how long before my sister got off another bus at the same stop to find me there so she could pick me up and laugh at me all the way home. My left hand was really stiff and painful for about 2 weeks and I now only have 3 1/2 knuckles on it.

4. One Sunday we were down on Pett Level beach which has large shingle banks at the top of it that you have to climb down to reach the sand. One section of the bank was curved inwards and I thought I'd run down it in a sort of Wall of Death stylee to get to the beach. Unfortunately, when I reached the bottom I did that Leaning Over Too Far Can't Stop thing and went careering down the beach before doing a 270 degree flip and landing on my arse via my head to the guffaws of the assembled missus and sprog. I couldn't turn my head left for a fortnight.

5. One Sunday, the missus was cutting my hair. I was sitting in just my pants on an uncomfortable wooden chair, it was very warm and to cap it all Miss Evans was on tv operating on some womans front bottom and hacking through unpleasant quantities of fat. This was obviously too much for my brain which decided that it didn't feel well and remaining conscious was no longer an option. I pitched forward off the chair onto the carpet but luckily my face broke my fall. I came round with a huge carpet burn across my entire forehead, my nose and right cheek. It scabbed over nicely and I had to tell everyone I hadn't been in a fight for about a month afterwards.

6. One new years eve, after pissing it up in Edinburgh with a mate, we stopped off for a couple of 80 bobs and Laphroaigs before going home. On the way out of the pub my mate shoved me and I banged my head on the corner of the stone doorway and started bleeding profusely. Eventually, via the police station and his mums christmas tree, my mate got me home. All I remember after that is my dad telling my mum to check my pockets. When she found my wallet, he said, "That's OK then, he hasn't been mugged."

Apologies for length/girth
( High Lord Phanty, Wed 8 Sep 2004, 19:23, Reply)