I have a slightly unhealthy obsession
with pranking my friend Chris at Uni.

I've replaced his mattress with old clothes, the like, but I think I really came into my own when he left his phone around for me to tamper with.

As a backstory, in our first term of Uni, we'd both been fairly drunk at a party, and Chris had found a lady friend. I did my own thing, and left him to it. The next morning, my mouth felt like a tramp had pissed in it, but I was cheered up enormously by his tale of woe concerning this girl. Apparently, they'd been walking back to hers, now Chris was sobering up at this point, and realising that his prize catch wasn't quite the beauty he'd previously imagined. She was constantly stopping to latch he gaping maw onto his desensitized face, "I've never been so bored of kissing in my entire life" he told me. So, upon eventually reaching her all-female residence, she dragged him to her room, all the girls on her corridor peeking out of their doors, like vultures, eager to catch a glimpse of the latest poor piece of carrion brought back.

Chris had, at this point, realised that it would be easier for him never to talk to this girl if he didn't sleep with her. So, in a fit of genius, he claimed that his Uncle was ill (he actually was, but that doesn't make this bit of deception any less stupid) and that he needed to make a phone call. At 4am. Smooth. Anyway, he leaves, he maintains pleasantries via text for a few days but largely ignores her. Lucky escape.

Except, I found his phone, some 8 months later, and I changed her number to mine. Showing remarkable patience, I started up a text conversation, platonic at first, but building up into Chris and his current girlfriend being propositioned for a threesome. I heard with glee stories of him running around to all his friends, asking how best to tactfully refuse this offer. My masterpiece was phoning him while he was in my room, knowing he would never pick up, and watching him look at his phone as if it were alive and wanting to bite his cock off.

Soon after that incident, Chris found out it was me, he'd been looking through the old texts and had found one saying "fancy a game of pool?"... I'd been a bit lax in deleting my old texts to him from before I'd changed the number.

Length? He shrivelled at the thought.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 19:19, Reply)