Experimenting with drugs
Back when I was doing my GCSEs, my English teacher (now sadly dead, RIP Dobber Dew) was one of those people that just knows EVERYTHING. The depth of his knowledge never failed to astound me. He could be a bit of a dick to people, but liked me because I was in Chapel Choir and he was obsessed with the composer Charles Villiers Stanford. Anyway, I digress...

One day, he was obviously tired to the back teeth of comparing and contrasting "1984" and "Brave New World", so decided to tell us how to make opium. Yup. Drew diagrams, told us when to do it, how to take it (boiling it with water makes a basic form of laudanam, or one can simply boil the whole poppy heads to make hallucinagenic tea) and everything, before finishing up with "but one can't really find opium poppies in the UK, so this information is of no use to you lot".

I went home for the summer, mentioned this to my mother, who snorted and said "well, he might know how to make opium, but he's obviously not a horticulturalist. We've got masses of opium poppies in the garden." She then went back to writing her book and promptly forgot our entire conversation.

Silly mummy.

1 week later, I was scraping some brown gloop off the sides of the poppies into a ramekin. There was probably a tablespoon's worth in total. I boiled it up in a pint of water and drank the resulting foul liquid. Then sat back and waited for it to kick in.

2 hours later: still waiting.
5 hours later: still waiting, and it's bedtime.
Day 2, am: still nothing. WTF?
Day 2, pm: still nothing. This would appear to have been a waste of time. Plus, my tummy feels a bit sluggish.
Day 3: stomach still feeling bad. I have not crapped for nearly 3 days. Ow.
Day 4: Argh. Constipation. Perhaps this was a bad idea.
Day 5: God-fucking-dammit I'm full of turds! They're backing up my digestive tract! I need a CRAP!!
Day 6: Glory be. I've seen God. After 45 mins of straining, that was a singularly painful crap, but the opiate-caused obstruction is now gone.

Conclusion: tastes bad, fails to get you high, and makes you constipated. Would not recommend.


Length? 6 unbearable days.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:17, Reply)