Ahhh, those were the days
Back in the early 80's when an Australian University Education was free and designed to actually educate not make money, we had a cute little Student Allowance scheme for those of us who didn't have Daddy buying us a new car each year. This marvellous invention however came with strings: you had to be classed as a full-time student in order to attain your measly $23 per week - oh what a fortune!

After failing half of first year due to gaining High-Distinctions in debauchery and drinking, I had to retake most of my courses. What this left me with - according to the bureaucratic paper pushers was effectively a part-time degree. Now, the fact that all lectures and tutorials were spread evenly throughout the day and there was not a "day off" in my week eluded those for whom independent thought was an anachronism. So, I had to take a "dummy" course in order to get my hours up... here is where the story really begins. I noticed in the "rules" of the allowance that I had to pass at least 2/3rds of this bogus course. For this my nether regions and liver breathed a sigh of relief.

So, takes Psychology II does I with as much fervour as an English batsman during the fifth test. Now, we had a module "Abnormal Psychology" for which the lecturer thought 50 minutes of dictating the various symptoms of every Abnormal Psychological disease was appropriate higher learning. As you may realise, dear reader, I had absolutely no interest in writing reams of useless facts, I was here to perve (oops, I mean learn).

Cut to the morning of the end of term exam for Abnormal Psychology...

The exam was slated for 9am and as I lived 5 minutes amble from the exam room and had no intention of studying, I thought it a good idea to get totally maggotted the night before.

For those still reading, do you remember the first 5 minutes of Four Weddings and a Funeral? Well, think that as I awoke to the alarm clock saying 9:40am on that fateful morning.

Well, I fairly sprinted out of bed, threw on a tracksuit and ran to the exam room with 30 seconds to spare before cutoff. I did fairly smell of alcohol, cigarettes and serious morning breath, but that phased me not, as there was nobody I was trying to impress.

Question 2 comes up in the exam and its an essay question: "What is Abnormal Psychology?". Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather! In my (probably) still drunken stupor I decided to answer this question by having an absolutely rabid 3 exam book tirade on the values of dictating a course to students wishing to learn something, whilst giving way to fits of giggles as I wrote reams of drivel on how much of a crap lecturer the bloke was.... yes, dear reader, you guessed it, mine was marked by the aforementioned crap (and it came to pass humourless) lecturer.

I was called to his office just before the marks were posted on the notice board. The words he spoke to me are forever etched on my mind: "Mate, if I could have given you a lower mark I would have". My retort? Bloody nothing, thought of a few after though under the influence of Messrs Fosters and Carlton. The mark: 0!

The moral: was given an "Absent Fail" and kept all that lovely Grant Money from the Government, so result all around.

The (eventual) End... I make no excuses for anything!
(AusMark, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 2:43, Reply)