Another Convent School Story
As I was a very well behaved girl at school I became a House Captain of one of the school’s four houses.

One of my jobs was to organise the house teams for netball, hockey, and sports day. I am not a great lover of playing sports (playing games, yes….) and despite enjoying hiking and cycling and being on the Cross Country running team, I was not a fast runner and I still can’t either catch or throw a ball (left-handed verging on ambidextrous). So I really wasn’t perhaps the best person to organise these events….


House netball, hockey and rounders matches were no problem – loads of girls loved the opportunity to either chuck a ball in someone’s face or crack shins with a hockey stick.

As House Captain I was expected to be at least the sub at some point in the proceedings….

So, netball….I’m tall but as I have no ball skills (so to speak) I get to be goal keeper or goal defence – only as a sub….

Now I’m sure all of you know what girls wear for playing netball – t-shirt and little short netball skirt…and as this was a convent school it was also compulsory to wear huge Bridget Jones style grey knickers (over the top of your own knickers) when there was snow on the ground they were actually quite welcome…it didn’t snow much though….


First failure…..not being a regular player I forgot to take my grey netball knickers….

So I spend the duration of the match trying to avoid jumping up or bending over – the entire Sixth form from the boys school always came to watch the house netball matches…..

I failed to hide my lack of grey knickers which resulted in the boys (and some interested girls) getting a really good look at my skimpy white cotton panties….A couple of boys actually laid down to make sure they could see…


Second failure…..a few weeks later it was my 18th birthday…and I was on the sports field trying to organise another sport event…..It was always customary to announce birthdays at lunch….

The entire school (and some of the boys from next door) all knew I had reached my age of majority…..

I failed to run fast enough when the girls from my house decided to give me the ‘bumps’ – remember those…being picked up and thrown 19 times (once extra for luck) – all the time trying desperately to hold my skirt down…remember – stockings

and keep my blouse from bursting open too….So yet again everyone got a flash…..

And the stockings were ruined…..

Walking back down to school I stopped and leant against a tree to inspect the damage….

one of the boys came to help me as I had a ladder in my stocking from ankle up to the top… he very slowly showed me the Giggle Line at the top of my stockings – get past there and you’re laughing….

Sadly I failed to make it to afternoon lessons.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:27, Reply)

I failed my D.N.A test...
...Mummy?
(Necromental is a voice., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:25, Reply)

Turning into my mother...
My mum took her A levels in 1969. She started off doing music, history and English. Then her O level results came through and she'd failed O level history because the twunts at her school had sent the papers to the wrong exam board - everybody in her class had failed. She continued with music and English. Then she got married as soon as she turned eighteen to escape bastard parents and promptly had a nervous breakdown. She got a B for music and a D for English.

I took my A levels in 2001. I started out with music, maths and physics. Dropped physics due to a string of shite teachers none of whom lasted longer than a couple of weeks (it was a London comprehensive and there's a shortage of physics teachers - go figure). Continued with maths and music. Did music college auditions. Had nervous breakdown. Got an A for music and an E for maths. The maths grade was partly because the school lost one of my exam papers and also failed to inform the exam board that I had been running a temperature of 102 during one of the others.

Luckily I only needed two Es to go to music college, but that maths grade haunted me so badly I had to retake it. I got an A.

But it still haunts me because A levels got way easier since all that AS business started, so I'll never know if I'd have got an A with the old system. Bugger.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:24, Reply)

Temper, temper!
My Mum always cries if my sister and I do well in exams. Here's why:

Having been told not to lose her temper in her A Level exams, Mum proceeds to read through her English Literature paper. Unseen poetry module. The poem is one of those that makes no sense whichever way up you read it, whether you're pissed or sober, whether you're an academic or a member of the great un-washed. Mum's rather epic answer to the instruction "Discuss" was:

"I've read this poem over and over for over an hour and still don't understand it. Therefore I think it is shit."

Naturally, that came out as a huge resounding 'fail'.

Love as ever,
GH
x
(Ginger Hobbit, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:12, Reply)

Just like countryslicker
I applied for a summer job at B&Q to fund my days of boozing at uni and they made me take a psycho test, unfortunately the test was set by a psycho-ologist but obviously graded by a monkey as my housemates at uni had been psycho-ology students I'd done these tests dozens of times. I was flagged for being dishonest after I answered a social accountability question "Have you ever lied? (rate yourself 1-5)" with a good answer but the muppet marking it took one look at it and saw that I had sometimes told porkies and told me I wasn't fit to work for B&Q. So I went and got a job with a large agrochemical company playing with some of the worlds most toxic pesticides and earning 3 times what I'd have made at B&Q. I'm not sure what that shows really?
(lankymike, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:11, Reply)

I failed to make my QOTW answer entertaining, amusing...
...or vaguely diverting by not elaborating on why I failed my driving test/interview/exam.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:10, Reply)

Mensa
I took the mensa test for a laugh.
t'was in rainy manchester and I had the mother of all colds - I scored 146 mensa points

Got a letter later saying it was too low to be a member.

I'm quite glad really - mensa's a bit swotty isn't it ?
(toadrunner, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:09, Reply)

Also failed to get into Cambridge
8 hours late for my interview - come on!
(scratchresistor is your mum..., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:03, Reply)

Totally fucked up my degree
Physics at Imperial College London, doing ok first two years, spectacular practical work (discovered a potential Dyson Sphere using the European Space Agency ISO telescope, and built a flying machine with no moving parts) etc.

Long story short, went mad, nearly arrested, ended up broke and in hospital, told that I'd failed the day I was at induction for my Masters.

Sad story. Shrivelled.
(scratchresistor is your mum..., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 12:03, Reply)

I once failed a DNA test.
And now I'm a mong.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:59, Reply)

I thought I'd failed my driving test
When the examiner had to remind me to turn on my headlights and windscreen-wipers as we left the carpark to begin the test (It being 8:30 on a rainy, dark winters morning), but I passed with 15 minors. Back of the net!

I did fail my cycle proficiency test age 12 though, when the policeman jumped out of a hedge to test my emergency stop technique and I bowled straight into him. Bah!
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:48, Reply)

Failed
The breathalyser test once
( WOLF .™, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:44, Reply)

Spectacularly failed to get into Oxford - failed it HARD!!!
I was at the world-famous Oxford University, interviewing for a place on the Physics course, and I was the first to be interviewed by Dr Brooker.

I'd been warned about Dr Brooker by the student looking after us - "do NOT attempt to bond with him!" she said. "He has NO sense of humour - don't even try!". Righto, I thought.

Off I went to to an hour of abject torture - I've never felt so out-of-my-depth before or since.

When I got back to the communal room, I opened the door, a broken man. "How was it?" someone asked. I immediately launched into a rant about the perverse evil of Dr Brooker, including an in-depth discussion of his satanic chicken-buggering tendencies, and a graphic description of the images in my head of him buggering a tesco's frozen chicken behind his desk and dancing naked around vestal virgins on the hillside, smeared on blood. I thought it was actually quite funny...

No-one laughed. They just stared open-mouthed. Someone slowly shook their head. I turned round, knowing what I would see... and true enough, there behind was Dr Brooker, entering his room opposite.

Apparently this tale became almost an urban legend - if anyone here actually *went* to Wadham College, Oxford, and heard that story - yes it's true. It was me.

If you're going to fail - fail in style, I say....
( Young Master Ploppy, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:40, Reply)

On My 3rd Driving Test....
I failed

After a near perfect test [well by my standards] and after failing twice allready the jubilation became too much for me....

I can't remember it fully but what I do remember is the driving instructor asking me "So what did you do wrong as we pulled into the final road before the test centre?" I stabbed a guess at not checking my mirrors but that was somewhat incongruous with the D [Dangerous] marked on my test paper.

Turns out in my [ahem] lost time I pulled into the right hand lane of the final road and drove the length of this quiet road on the wrong side!

[sigh]

[INSERT PENILE INNUENDO HERE]
(socynicalsohip, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:39, Reply)

Math AP
I was ushered down the advanced course for all my subjects in high school. This led to me taking AP tests for English, math, and computer science. My grade 12 math teacher was a creep, and I got a low grade in his class that year.

Then when it came time to take the math AP test, they brought out a box of graphing calculators and handed them out to everyone. This was the first time most of my classmates had ever seen one. Of course we all failed and got 1 out of 5. This test is graded against students in other countries, so if you took this test, you have me to thank for your grade.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:39, Reply)

At last
Failed at school so went to college and failed by dropping out due to illness - Years later went to college again and passed - Then 3 years at polytechnic and failed - BA Art - talented but lazy - 6 years in study altogether and nothing to show for it. Big fat failure. Now spend my life working in an office.

However I did pass my driving test 1st time - hoorah - at the age of 38.
( girlinthehole, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:33, Reply)

Keeping My Mouth Shut
.
I've a problem thats been with me all my life. I just can't keep my trap shut when someone offers me a good feed line. It's a kind of disability. So this is the tale of when I failed to score.

I used to be one of the DJs at Manchester University's Rock Night. It was a great job - unpaid but it meant that I could play the music I liked and was fantastic for chatting up the ladies.

Now doing this job were two of us - me and my partner in crime Denty who's featured in a couple of my stories. Nornally, he'd spin the disks and I'd be doing front-of-house dealing with requests from punters. It was an easy job. If you were female and attractive there was a chance I'd play the record you liked but if you were male you were told to fuck off.

So this one night this little rock-chick kept coming up and asking for various records. As she was stunning, I generally put on what she wanted if we had it. And when I say she was stunning she really was. About four foot ten with a gorgeous figure and long black hair. A real pocket Venus. I was smitten.

After a couple of hours I needed a pint so I took a break and headed for the bar. Pocket Venus made a bee-line for me and we were soon chatting away like we'd known each other for years.Things progressed and soon we were kissing. I was in like Flynn. Then she asked me to come home with her after the gig and my night was made.

Then it started to go wrong. Snuggling into my arm she looked up at me and said:

"With all the beautifual girls here tonight, why have you picked me to go home with?"

I couldn't help myself. It just came out.

"I've never fucked a dwarf before"

SLAP!!!

And off she stormed leaving me helpless with giggles at the bar....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:23, Reply)

Oh bloody hell, what a question for the new year
Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

Age 17: Dropped out of A-level chemistry AFTER having applied to universities (Bristol told me to fuck off but good old Reading had me)

Age 21: Missed my 2:1 by less than 1% effectively killing any chance of further academia or a graduate related job (this still hurts after almost 9 years).

Age 21: Naval Officer selection - good grief, I have never been made to feel more like pathetic comprehensive school scum.

Age 29: I have just sat my Professional Accountancy ACCA finals, they didnt go great.

It's all part of life, we learn by our mistakes more than our successes. I learnt that my chemistry teacher, the University of Reading and the Royal Navy can all go fuck themselves.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:20, Reply)

Psychometric test
One of the questions was "I can better appreciate...

"a beautiful poem"
"a well made gun"

[can you see what they're trying to do here, can ya?]

Hmmm. No 'neither', strictly 'either or'.

Other one I remember was "I'd rather live..."
"In a wood on my own"
"In a city centre" etc.

When it came to the discussion with the psychologist, he said he couldn't interpret the results as from my answers I appeared to be an introverted extrovert, a team player who preferred being on his own etc. I'd answered the 'plant' questions without triggering the 'he's playing the system' alert, but of the ten or so criteria they had to place people, the way I'd answered the questions had me placed at diametrically opposed ends of the same scales...

At the end of the interview he said "the only thing I can do with these results is ignore them. This is the first time this has ever happened."

I have a nasty feeling I've a file somewhere with 'NUTTER' stamped across the front.
(Countryslicker, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:17, Reply)

2nd Post (Same Uni (Bradford) Same Degree (Comp Sci) different subject)
Computer Hardware...

Something I do know just a little bit about..

Unfortunatly didn't get on AT ALL with the lecturer! (1. He didn't know the subject, 2. I almost thumped him on my second night at the Uni (thort he was a Gobby MSC student) 3. He used to walk round holding a carrier bag over his head!! (PS Lecturing at York now ? ))

Exam was computer based. You sat down at a workstation, logged into secure Uni Website, and had to answer 25 questions.

Since the exam could be sat at any time, and there was no overseer myself and a friend (Hi Andy!!) sloped off to the Richmond building. We sat side by side doing the exam and compared notes (WE CHEATED!!).

His worstation crashed out at question 20. He could do no more. Our answers were IDENTICAL to that point. I completed the final five questions and called it a day.

My friends exam result = 82%
My result = 18% - FAILED !!

WTF!!!!

Complained to the Head of Dept. Told him the above story VERBEITUM! - he went to see tossy lecturer, came back with a "We can award you 74% or we can take the whole thing through formal University Complaints procedures".

I took the 74%.

Sometimes the lecturer is WRONG!!
(bigdave40, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:15, Reply)

End of first year exam..
Did quite a bit of revision, thought I understood the subject.

3 Hr Exam, you could leave after the first hour.

Sat down at the exam desk,

opened the paper when told to..

Only needed to answer 4 out of 8 questions..

7 out of 8 of the questions made no sense at all!..

The one that did make some sense I wrote as much as I could about, attempted 3 others then with 10 mins left sat and waited till the end of the first hour.

I'm thinking what sort of numpty am I..

Lecturer say "those that want to leave can leave now.."

80% of the people doing the exam stood up..

Felt much better.. 80% of the people doing the exam failed.. Had to resit at the start of my second year and got 64%..

Sometimes the exam is just plain wrong!
(bigdave40, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:04, Reply)

I've failed my driving test 5 times so far...
/edit - I'm 24
( King Ralph is drunk, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:04, Reply)

Freshers year (take 1)
At uni I failed the 1st year by 0.7%. Completly my own fault for watching every single episode of the simpsons ever, instead of going to lectures. Doh!(Sorry)
(egg1st, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:03, Reply)

Life

(WillyBean, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 10:53, Reply)

Oooo - Uni
I've blotted this from memory.......

I failed some idiot exam, not once, but twice. Passed the third time. It was in hindsight a fairly simple exam, but I got the whole damn thing wrong.

I maintain that the idiot freakshow wanker lecturer didn't teach us the stuff - I kept the notes and didn't miss a single lecture so I **KNOW** I'm right, but my arguments fell on deaf ears.

I had to spend the whole summer worrying about it as if I didn't resit and pass, I was going to flunk out.

Passed it though and then went on to, well, finish the pointless, waste of time "IT" HND.

How the hell I grew up to become a senior, respected (by some) IT consultant is a total complete mystery.

Size? Twice in 30 minutes - you work it out ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 10:51, Reply)

Most things.....
Quite a lot of exams on the way to only getting a 2:2 at university, the main reason for this was due to my belief that leaving the exam room first should be worth extra points.

It's not
( Ten U Us results once we've taken all the cocks out, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 10:43, Reply)

I failed...
...My driving test, also for the examiner having to use the dual controls (hey, I didn't think the street was to narrow to be going that fast). Instead of going back to the test centre the examiner made me drive round for the rest of the allocated time knowing that I'd failed.

I thanked him for that at the end.
(ralphseviltwin, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 10:41, Reply)

Twice at my driving test
First time I was only 100m away from completing my test when a moron tried to ram me and forced me to almost clip a wingmirror. That was a major.

Second time I missed a stop sign. The gales the night before had dropped a tree on the sign, rendering it invisible and the white line was covered in wet leaves. There was no way of telling it was a stop junction. Still failed for it though.

Passed third time though.
(Smelch God says I'm a Pirate now. Yarr!, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 10:39, Reply)

I failed...
...to remember my login name and password quick enough to get there first - damn!!!

And given that I'm second... size doesn't matter as a gentleman always ensures he comes second!
(anon_is_best, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 10:38, Reply)

First post :-)
I've failed at many things - including my driving test spectacularly....

It was the emergency stop that did it, the examiner (the bastard) took me to the wettest, slimiest place in the history of wet, slimy places and then I had to stop. Needless to say I slid a long way down the road - it would have been easier to have stopped in a swamp!

I, demoralised, then proceeded to nearly hit just about everything, couldn't park or reverse around the corner.

Turns out he was done about 3 months later for failing people un-neccesarily and taking back handers.

Twunt.

Size - given that I'm first, it's as big as it needs to be :-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 10:37, Reply)