failed commando
Story from the old man.

Apparently aged 14 and out with his school on a camping trip. The man in charge is their ex-army PE instructor, a red faced moustached man slightly out of shape yet utterly convinced of his superhuman soldiering skills. All day long they endured his boasts of outrageous bravery, finely tuned martial skills and elf like woodcraft "I can kill a man with one finger/stalk an ant cross country for 100 miles/catch and skin a tiger armed only with a spoon" and so on. He took it extremely seriously and was deliberate and determined in his ignorance of how rediculous and transparent these lies were.

Finally he made a boast which they felt they had to challenge. "I could walk out into this wood at night and hide not 5 feet from you and not one of you would be able to find me. It would be as if I had literally vanished into the night".

"Bollocks sir." Came the reply.

And so the wager was made. At some time between 10pm and midnight, the PE teacher would leave his tent and hide himself in the woods. The boys would then have until 1am to find him. Game on.

At 10:01 precisely the boys watched from their tents as a decidedly drunken looking PE teacher crept out from his tent. They contiued to watch as he clumsily tiptoed a full 3 feet into the woods, stopping ince he arrived at a muddy ditch, they continued to watch bemused as he climbed into the ditch and covered himself with leaves, chuckling to himself all the while, as any good commando would do.

After having a fag and a cup of tea and a bit of a laugh at the daft old git, they wandered out into the woods making a lot of noise and giving of the occassional exaggerated shout "where could he be!" "it's amazing he literally vanished!" and "cor..we'll be here all night" and finally. "well lads it looks like we're not going to find him. But that teas gone right through me i'm just going to stop off at this ditch and take a piss." A chorus of agreement rang out and about 20 schoolboys approched the exact spot where the PE teacher was buried under the leaves expecting him to jump out at any second and conced the game.

But no. This man was so dedicated to his survival craft that he lay there unmoving and grimly determined as the pee showered down on his hiding place. He returned to the camp some time later covered in mud and leaves and reeking of urine.

Which is of course no less than any PE teacher deserves.
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 14:42, Reply)