Natural born failure; so good I even fail at failing
Failing at failing seems to be my thing, as it is for most of us when we take the piss out of idiots (who brandish the clipboard of enlightenment which aids them in deciding what success is) who don't even realise not only that you're doing just that but also how little effort you employ in doing so. There have been countless such instances in the last couple of years in uni and in naff part time jobs, which really does beg two questions:

"Is a degree a pricey certificate of lazyness/hardcoreness which symbolises the efforts (or non-efforts) you've gone to to get wrecked in every way possible in a three year time perod?"

and "what kind of person can't even add two numbers together in a rubbish job let alone get a degree which I would call toilet paper if it were not laminated?"

On a tangent (but will get back to the point), the world it seems is full of idiots, so long as they're not offensive or annoying, they're best ignored but despite numpty-induced-apathy and reckless abandonment of so called duty they that they inspire in me, they never seem bright enough to either recognise it in all its glorious ridicule nor do anything about it. Such hopeless, hapless, nameless, soulless, lifeless people who are naturally that bit more useless than me by proxy make me less of a failure, alas failing is difficult simetimes when luck makes up for lack of effort.

In three years at uni I've turned up to, on average, 5% of my course, not only because its insanely easy (pyschology and philosophy) but also because I (and anyone for that matter) can write more or less anything with an ounce of passionate and enthusiastic prose and get at least a high 2:1 with massive generalisations usually involving semi fascist remarks, made up references with offensive made up names and waffle stylishly about random gibberish which is in some way loosely related to what I know the lecturer thinks, feeding his ego at every oppurtunity whilst also taking the piss.

One particular essay I wrote in 20 minutes whilst smashed on vodka having not gone to the vast majority of the course, I made up a religion of my own and a ritual which involved smoking lots of drugs drugs, praying to the God our Chris Cornell and listening to rock music, I got 78% for that, on a similar occasion, I rambled about the meaning of life and got 86%. I was trying to see what the lowest mark I could get would be for use in future drunkard day-before-essay-due ramblings and it back-fired and now I'm committed to continue this course which I don't want to do because my average is ok and I don't have the excuse of being rubbish. I also get a loan aka free money if I can tolerate this easy living, I suppose its not too bad a thing to fail sometimes.

And I still haven't been fired from a job (a supermarket, a mistake) I haven't turned up to for over a month, I was under investigation for losing hundreds of pounds in a few days, having given up on caring, because I didn't bother looking at people's change and gave them compensation for waiting, discounts for being female and free stuff because I felt like it. The is the third time I've gone AWOL and they don't bat an eyelid but they underpaid me so I was going to walk out and write a letter threatening that I'll sue them unless they pay me £500 but then I get a letter saying that my study leave has been approved and will be fully paid, (part of my leaving was due to the assumption they wouldn't read it or say no, so I'll send the letter after I get paid the other money), so as well as being stuck on a non-course I'm also stuck in a non-job, despite attempts to fail. People who I work with who would fail to get laid in a whore-house get more flak than me for nothing more than much less than me. If I applied to work in a McDonalds (you need to be pikey royalty) I'd fail that, if I had to look after a bottle of whiskey I'd fail that, If I get drug tested I'd fail that, but they'll probably fail to realise I'm usually caned.

The moral being that taking the piss out of people in order to make them think you care when you clearly don't whilst being plain rubbish, and so to get fired (acting as some emphatic idiot's compromise for traditional success) will only work if:

a)they're bright enough to realise it
b)you're working with people that bit more useful than you, so you're not on the dark end of a failure contrast
c)your luck runs out

I have however failed at committing sucicide, at 'inspirational' times like these, that is perhaps regrettable.
(goddamnsonofabitch, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 17:07, Reply)