Damn Shopping Channels
Late one evening, whilst making my way through a cheeky bottle of Merlot, I found myself watching one of UK TV's excellent shopping channels. Most of the stuff they were selling was predictably tat - Shoddy jewellery for the uncommitted, revolutionary developments in mops, etc - Until one offer caught my eye.

It was a garden ornament. Not just any old ornament though; It was a figurine, custom-made to look like anyone you wanted. You just had to send them a photo of someone, and they'd put that face on the cheeky little chappy.

"NEEEEEEEEEED!", my wine-addled brain immediately hollered. I was undeterred by the price, including extortionate P&P. I wasn't even put off by the fact that, as is obligatory for anything sold on a shopping channel, it was 'decorated' head to toe with cubic zirconium. I had to have him. And so I grabbed the phone, placed my order and, the next day, emailed a photo of myself to the address I'd been given. I was going to have my own likeness standing in the garden!

Anyhow, as you've probably already guessed, what I received in the post a few weeks later was somewhat disappointing. Yes, it was a garden figurine. And yes, it was covered in shit 'jewels'. But the face looked nothing like the photo I'd sent. In fact, if anything, it looked more like legendary Mancunian singer Mark E. Smith.

If you ever visit, make sure I show you my Fall Zircon Gnome Me.
(costas, Thu 26 Jun 2014, 18:55, 1 reply)

What are uncommitted, revolutionary developments in mops?
And why would such things purchase shoddy jewelry?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 27 Jun 2014, 10:38, closed)