Guilt, revulsion and a smattering of relief
You know that feeling you get when you discharge a textbook poo, and due to the speed with which it flies out of your arse it creates a splashback which gently laps at one's buttocks? I get that feeling whenever I see Jamie Oliver.

Now, I know that having my arse licked by the upsurge of toilet water created by my own excretion is pretty grim, but I'm kind of pleased that it's soothing my potentially sore crack. Just because that poo went well doesn't mean the previous did, or next one will. Then I feel a bit disgusted by my enjoyment of this moment.

The parallels here are obvious.

Jamie Oliver has made a proper effort to shift public perception of him from a big-tongued Mockney twatface with shit hair to some kind of moral guardian for the nation's diets. He's used his celebrity to promote awareness of healthy eating despite the fact that with 95% of the idiots in this country, he's pissing into the wind trying to get them to give up deep-fried whatevermakesthepainoftheirhideousfuckinglivesabatemomentarily. So I feel a bit guilty for thinking he's an incredibly annoying fuckwit with a massive face and incredibly shit hair.

Not THAT guilty, obviously.

The parallels may be less obvious than I first thought. Sorry.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 11:19, 6 replies)

Hahahahahahaha
This one is rather marvellous. It's like peeking at your brain.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 11:22, closed)

What a truly horrific prospect. And I thought the above was disgusting
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 11:31, closed)

There may be a parallel
In that it might be you are imagining it's his fat tongue that's lapping at your arse from within the bowels (!) of the toilet.

Although, to be fair, given the irritation he causes, I can't imagine him having a soothing effect on your crack.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Mon 8 Feb 2010, 14:21, closed)

That mental image
will haunt my brain the next time I need a shit. I may be contipated for weeks now, thanks to you, Snappy. I'm sending you my Immodium expenses.

Thank god I unleashed a decent-sized log mere minutes before writing the original piece. What a coincidence
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 14:47, closed)

neptune's kiss is the technical term for post-turd splash back meeting ring...
(prostheses, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 17:28, closed)

The laugh
its his laugh. It scares and horrifies me, I don't want that man on my TV.
(elless, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 18:36, closed)