‘Outed’ by the power of bass.…

As part of my havoc strewn and misspent youth in the late 80’s, I spent way too much of my time hurling myself chin first into an unswervable admiration for the crap Scottish rockers ‘Simple Minds’

A couple of my mates felt the same unashamed blind love for every lump-of-shite twanging anthem they produced.

We were smitten. Simple as that.

As soon as we were old enough to go to one of their gigs (mid teens), we signed ourselves up (at great expense) to cover half of their British tour with them.

We would hang around after gigs and we met them a few times. They signed every record we owned, whether it was one of theirs or not.

The singer and guitarist were actually pretty nice guys. You’d imagine that they would be the ones with the biggest egos but no, they were ok and had time for everyone. Patsy Kensit was nice, too. The drummer, on the other hand, was a cast iron cunt-brick who barely said a word to anyone post-gig, he would just leap straight into the back of his chauffer driven Range Rover and fuck off past us all.

My favourite band member however, was the bass player of the time. A guy called Malcolm Foster. A brilliant musician, he would wander out post gig, and once he recognised us, would escort us to the hospitality beer and hand out souvenirs. Top bloke. On one occasion I asked my accompanying mate to take a picture of Malcolm and I together. We tried to do the ‘Rock’ manly handshake thing but I messed it up a bit so it didn’t look quite right.

In fact…to the untrained eye, it seemed to resemble a lover’s photo of an awkward looking man and a teenage boy holding hands as they gazed adoringly at each other.

I was blind to this. Malcolm & me = mates. That was it. My joy was unconfined.

With a song in my heart and a spring in my step, I lovingly carried this photo around in the heart-shaped ‘special memories’ photo section of my wallet.

For about a year.

I displayed it with utmost pride to everyone I saw…and never once spared a thought to the mutterings around me whenever the picture was on display.

It was only in a busy queue at ‘Greggs the Bakers’ one fateful afternoon...when it was time to for me to pay, I opened my wallet and someone glanced over my shoulder, spotting the 'snap-de-lurve' and ‘tutted’ disapprovingly…

This caused me to look again at the photo…and then slowly experiencing the painful, crushing epiphany...the realisation that for literally months I had been carrying around a pic that was the supreme epitome of uber-gayness.

It suddenly became so blatant to me. So obvious. For all intents and purposes, he may as well have been pushing his bass slapping thumb so far up my marmite motorway that he could tickle my colon.

My face almost caught fire with crimson shame. I’m not homophobic, people…just very.easily.embarrassed

And my whimpers of: “It’s not what it looks like…he’s a bass player” only served to compound their scornful glances further.

I then did the only thing I thought I could…I angrily ripped the picture out of my wallet, scrunched it up and threw it in the nearby bin…merely making everybody suspect that I had just been dumped by Malcolm, and their subsequent looks of pity only served to make the situation worse still.

I cringe even now thinking about it.

The thing is though …I really wish I’d kept that photo.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 17 Apr 2009, 16:28, 5 replies)

What I do when I meet famous people
is to get them to put one arm round my shoulder and extend the other towards the camera with a thoroughly butch thumb-up.

I do the same and grin inanely, and there you have it - a lovely, sexually-unambiguous pose, with the star looking slightly out of his/her depth next to this pushy nutter.

My favourite from my collection is the one of me with Rat Scabies. He looks a frightened man.

Del LaGrace Volcano, on the other hand, took it in stride, being a lifelong camera-whore.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 16:39, closed)

Funniest post I've read this week
Cheers, matey - oh, and by the way, I think I love you and want your babies.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 16:45, closed)

Get in line Spanky.
At least I've got a womb......I think.
( girlinthehole, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 19:15, closed)

Click
purely for Marmite Motorway (which I think is deserving of capital letters)
(TheColonel, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 17:11, closed)

you sound like
you're in denial.

You still hold a candle for Simple Minds really.
(rockdoctor, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 18:45, closed)