Following through
Going to meet friend A in London with other friend B. Had a decidedy dodgy arse. As my friend A and I are members of an elite club who have soiled themselve in public (mainly due to drinking) I phoned and told him to bring some immodium from his ample supply.

Friend texts at 1pm to say he can't make it.

Panic sets in. I'm in Harvey Nichols at this point and am concerned that the brewing fart may have (barely but enough to warrant worry) some substnce to it. I pop to the toilets where a dad is escorting his son. I go into cubicle and slowly let out a vile fart. Thankfully no residue. I leave. Dad gives me look of disgust and wonderment at the sulphuric stench.

3pm. SoHo. I fart and successfully emit nothing but purest gas. Result! Perhaps the immodium isn't needed...

5.30pm (or thereabouts)on Loughton tube station...
I decide to let another fart out. I must add at this point, that I am wearing some shorts with an underpant lining.

Fuckfuckfuck! Fucking fucker fuck! Bollocks! I have obviously followed through. Even though I have CLEARLY followed through, I insert hand to check. It's damp. Could just be sweat?

I bring hand to nose to smell. Nope. It's shit. The kind of shit I haven't done since a baby.

I can get away with this methinks.

No chance. Friend B's nose twitches. Twitches again. Looks at Chinese gent standing nearby with disgust. I can't help it...

'B.'
'Yes Lithepanther? Have you farted btw?'
'No, B. I've shit myself.'

I wander off. Shall I ise the ironically positioned Indian takeaway? No toilet.

Eventually I waddle in the way that only people who shit themselves can (and everyone knows your shame) to J Sainsbury and go in customer toilet. Taking off shorts, I clean myself up. Now, how do I clean the shorts? 'Fuck it' I think. Go to rip out lining.

It's made of industrial strength steel or something. Eventually - resourceful this and if it wasn't part of this story would probably get me a job in Mi6 shoud they ever care to interview me - I use the coat peg to saw off my lining. I walk outside, bid Dad and son combo 2 good day and leave.

Friend A likes this story. Friend B was so shocked he has never even used this as ammunition to take the piss.

*Apologies for length.
(The Lithe Panther, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 15:02, Reply)