All I know is:
He who smelt it, dealt it

and

He that denied it, supplied it
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:36, Reply)

Re gender
Bowels are bowels - they make no discrimination. So let's have some honesty from you girls. The worst farts I've ever known were from my mother, sister and wife. My wife's farts can be seen from space. There have been times that I've had to get up in the night and open the window and door after she's filled the duvet with a green cloud of arse gas.
(frankspencer, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:35, Reply)

Tesco Arse
Last week I had 'day after beer farts' (they were bad) and was wondering around the local Tesco with my Mum. I was a wee bit ahead of her down one aisle and decided that, as nobody was around, it would be my prime opportunity to drop one. Then Mum called me back to look at a funny greetings card she had found.
As we entered the next aisle, she whisperingly remarked on how the 'dirty man' next to her had let one go and I was crying with laughter at how everyone had thought it was him and had been giving him filty looks when it was my own prize-winning bottom burp.
(NJ, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:34, Reply)

Appendicitis
Once had an incredible pain in my stomach. Must have been about 11 or 12, no older. Lay in my bed for about an hour and a half curled up in agony. Mum and Dad found me, sweating and crying. They quickly got dressed and told me to hang on while they went to get the car, it was off to A&E for me as they suspected I had appendicitis and might need an operation.

What I actually needed, was to let out an almighty fart, which I did, about 30 secs before they returned to take me to hospital. I didn't know whether to be relieved or embarrassed.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:31, Reply)

i remember my primary school
it was the last year and someone had to break the smell barrier with everyone pissing themselves the teacher suddenly jumps to his feet and states that "this is not comical and when smelling you inhale particles of the object you are smelling, its like eating somebodys flatulance"

cue silence
then girl bursting into tears
she was and still is a bit of a tit
(deantastic, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:31, Reply)

The 'Incident'.
About 3 years ago the missus and I decided to take the kids over to France for a holiday in the summer.

The night before we stopped over in Folkestone before heading off in the morning to use the chunnel in the car. A night of drinking commenced for me and the missus and I had decidedly dodgy guts in the morning. In what has since been known as the 'Incident' I decided to pinch out an SBD about half way to france. Words couldn't describe the stench. We all piled out of the car but, if you've ever used the chunnel' you'd know, you're trapped in a 3 car compartment with only tiny doorways between. The smell started to fill the train carriage and I swear that people in other cars were starting to turn green.

The stench permiated everything in the car. I was proud. We haven't spoken about it since. :)
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:31, Reply)

Not me, thank God,
but a rather 'larger' lady walking in front of me a while ago let off the noisest fart I've ever heard in public. And it was aimed right at me. God, it stank.

I think the worst part is her friend walking with her barely even noticed.
( Bats, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:31, Reply)

Not fair.
I think this qotw may be a little one sided on the gender front - AGAIN!!!!
( girlinthehole, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:30, Reply)

First job after uni
I worked at Waterstones. I'd got into the habit of eating numerous packs of Doritos (can't reacall the flavour, but suspect it was spicy something) and around lunchtime I'd start doing tiny little farts that nevertheless scorched my anus as they came out. The smell was akin to that of rotting meat and drains. They actually called someone in to look at the drains.

I was fired shortly after (for not being a team player blah blah blah - the usual)
(frankspencer, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:30, Reply)

not entirely on topic
but nevertheless a moment that will live on in my heart and mind forever.

a friend of mine and I were stood conversing in my kitchen, when my brother sashayed in and in one almighty belch spoke thusly:

"I'll have a big mac, large fries and a chocolate milkshake please"

and then sashayed out.

I was struck dumb.

I have since attempted to recreate the feat, but the best I have been able to achieve has been a thunderous "SILENCE!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:30, Reply)

being a lady
i never ever fart.

but the woman who was bending over in front of me at yoga did once. about two inches from my nose. i was chewing on it for hours, the rancid bitch.

she was right though, the class was fucking shit. if i've got to dress up in lycra, at least make it aerobics or something energetic.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:29, Reply)

Notcurnal flatulence
This one time, I was in bed with my then-boyfriend and I farted so loudly I woke both of us up.

Beat THAT!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:28, Reply)

I once did a fart that lasted about 30 seconds.
It came out in lots of little farts, much like a machine gun.
(MadGutters Now what?, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:28, Reply)

YAY!
And I somehow got last post and I wasn't even trying.....

Oop North, when I was a lad, farts were called "pumps". So at school one day, the girl sitting next to me said:

"Pssst - have pumps got lumps in them?"

Work the rest out for yourself....

Cheers

P.S To settle the North VS South argument. I'm from Northumberland and, as far as I'm concerned, anyone South of Darlington is a fucking Frenchman.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:27, Reply)

guiness and chilli
my fartiness is legendary in my office usually they're just loud and long but last Friday after a particularly long night out on Guiness and a five alarm chilli they also stank. like the very bottom of Satan. my excuse was "Sorry but I seem to be wearing someone elses arse this morning"
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:27, Reply)

duvet devil
Best fart ever!! Filthy rancid stink cloud of a fart in bed with mrs spluff. Silent of course to enable me to envelope the wife in the duvet with no chance of escape. She then promptly ran to the bathroom and threw up. I have never giggled like a little girl until that very moment. Cherished family memories.
(SPLUFFMYPANTS, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:26, Reply)

Upset stomach
I don't know how many people have had really bad diarrhoea here, probably most of you, but the worst thing about having dreadful runs is the chronic inability to fart without soiling yourself. i had the yellows for about a week and couldn't fart the whole time, for fear of following through. This wouldn't be so bad if the whole nature of an upset stomach wasn't violent bowel movements. oh the agony.

More on topic, I have farted in people's faces to wake them up, farted in lifts, at a posh dinner with the headmaster at public school (arggh!), in school assembly, which is undoubtedly the worst as everyone knows it's you, and there's no place to hide. I even managed to stink out a barn once.
It's a British institution, the ability to fart well and be suave about it.
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:26, Reply)

Now my farts are few and far between
But today I had one it felt rather mighty, but being in a chemistry lab while working with various alcohols and esters (google it) it couldn't be detected by anyone.

Sorry for the shit post, but if you ask a shit question what do you expect?
( AS, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:25, Reply)

oh oh
Famously (in my group of friends anyway) cleared a room with a fart. After 3 days and nights of drinking and eating unhealthy food i was feeling a little rough, and farted in my sleeping bag.

2 minutes later it hit me, and i bailed out to the toilet, and about 5 minutes later it had circulated around the lounge and left a couple of people gagging or rushing for the exits.

I sometimes also unleash ones that can be felt though sofas and once the floor. whoops
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:25, Reply)

I ONCE DID A FART SO BIG I THEN DID A POO IN MY PANTS
AND THE POO WAS SMELLY.
(__, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:25, Reply)

at work
farting is more a way of communicating than anything, along with massively loud belches.
( Johno says the chances of anything coming from mars are a million to one But still they come on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Cruelty to animals.
Another one!

My father was walking around the bed, with the cat following him.. sniffing his behind (as you do.)

My father lovingly stops, bends over a little, the cat then decides to take this prime opportunity to take a great big sniff. *just* As my father lets one go, a big, smelly, one-you-could-eat type.

The cat has never been the same again, oh how i laughed!
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:24, Reply)

toxic teaching
While teaching in Greece, I got into a veg-heavy diet and was constantly leting rip. Once, in a lesson, I kept dropping a non-stop percussion of stinkers. I managed to muffle the sound with buttock-clenching as I wrote on the board.

But when I turned round, the first three rows of students had pulled their jumpers/shirts up over their noses.
(frankspencer, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Sorry spikypickle!
I however am lucky enough to work in an office on my own and therefore can fart to my hearts content. I share my office with my boss who pops in occasionally and who's farts smell to high heaven. The boss, being also my dad has no problem with letting one rip in the office while i am here. Therefore if anyone elso comes in after i've let go then the finger is pointed to him automatically.

Oh! I forgot - girls dont fart. Ignore what i've just said. It's all lies.
( girlinthehole, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:24, Reply)

You'll never believe this, one time my body performed a completely normal, regular function
that I've no reason to be ashamed of whatsoever! All it means is I've got healthy guts. Hooray!

HILARITY FUCKING ENSUED!
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:23, Reply)

On topic!
I was on the tube the other day (Holborn to Kings X if you care). The temperature was a good 10 degrees above comfort level. I decided, quite urgently i needed a *Big* fart. Oh dear.

So i did.

It was noisy.

People were not impressed.

The end.

P.S I wonder if that beautiful girl that smiled at me on the train is a b3tan.. *shrugs*
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:22, Reply)

Not me but my cousin...
...once got barred from a chinese takeaway / chippy for dropping a rather nasty silent one. He was told by the chinese lady "please to do that outside!" as he was shown to the door. I was crying with laughter, or maybe it was stinging my eyes. It was rank though.
(Plumstix has been spying on you since, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:21, Reply)

second!
And just so you know, I did actually get last post last week but it was deleted by those who know better.

I was waiting paitently to be 1st but Big Girls Blouse sent me a message and I was reading it
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:19, Reply)

First
DEFFO

*is now confused*
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:18, Reply)