Guinness + Fried Tomatoes = Bath of death
My first ever part time job was as a Betterware salesman door to stinking door in Sunny Hull. I was 16, and probably the youngest person in the western world to have sold a carpet sweeper. I was also in the midst of bowel problems. Catastrophic bowel problems that meant i had been bunged up for at least a week.
I am usually a regular poo-er twice a day clockwork, you can set your watch by my arse, and the pain from this sudden and unexplained bout of botty famine was considerable.
As i was delivering another load of Catalogues to the bored (and sexually frustrated - but thats for another QOTW) housewives of my estate, I was accosted by a rather elderly lady and the conversation went like this...

Old Lady :-" Why are walking like that son, shit yerself?"
Airliebird :-"No, quite the opposite in fact, i'm appallingly constipated"
OL "You know what you need, son? Fried Tomatoes and Guinness! and nothing but that. Drink nowt but Guinness and eat nowt but fried tommys, and you'll be as right as rain in a day!"

So rather than visit a doctor or even the chemist or even buy some bran (I am a bloke after all), I followed this lovely wizened bowel fairy's advice, and after persuading my dad to purchase me some guinness, i fried my first batch of tomatoes.
Now, let me assure everyone, this is not a diet to be toyed with and in fact, Dr Atkins would probably even call it irresponsible - if he hadn't died of bowel cancer.
So after 4 meals and in fact 24hrs to the minute since the advice had been handed down, airliebird found himself in the bath, soothing his distended and aching belly.
Was it my fevered imagination or was there a stirring of sorts in my tummy? I shifted my position a little...There it was again! Definite movement!
I decide I should try to make it to the toilet only a few feet away and i lift an arse cheek from the floor of the bath.

TTTThhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwrrrrrrraaaaaaaaarrrrrrpppp!

Pity poor airliebird..... he is now sat in a bath that appears to be totally constituted of watered down Guinness and tomato skins. I swear it even had a head on it.
Can you imagine pulling the plug on a bath and it not going down because of the tomato skins blocking the hole? Having to reach down and unblock it by hand?
I have never fried a tomato since, but Guinness is my favourite drink to this day.

Glad I got this off my chest I think, but strangely I have never totally subscribed to the "better out than in" theory since.
(airliebird Has now found Twiglets in Sydney!!!!!!! yay!, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 14:55, Reply)