Big and Clever Day Out
During my travels in Melbourne I had the fortune of being in the right place at the right time, on the 26th of Jan was the mighty Australia Day. The natives take Oz Day as seriously as English people take St. Patrick’s Day at home. I had been looking forward to beach parties, clubs, all nighters and a raucous time, but it didn’t work out that way. I ended up going to see one of the biggest selling artists of all time instead.

By chance the travelling festival Big Day Out was on Australia Day in Melbourne, so it was like your birthday and Christmas all at once. Poor Jesus, I’m sure he gets a bigger present than just a birthday present, but it probably isn’t as good as two presents.

I got a ticket and joined a stack of people from the hostel who were all heading down - except they started redoing their hair or something. Bored of waiting myself and Jono the Kiwi jumped into a taxi with a 19 year old ‘Doctor’ we met on the street, mercilessly ripped the piss out of him for the whole ride, and made it to the festival good and early ready for some dancing. I was officially the only kilted man at the festival, and as a result I met loads of people – plus the festival was remarkably well organized (apart from the ‘Proof of Drinking Age’ bands and beer tokens). Learn things TiTP; have more bars.



I/we/I again saw loads of bands; The Grates; The Vandas; Simian Mobile Disco; Sneaky Sound System; Pendulum; The Silent Disco is always fun; Arctic Monkeys; Neil Young and the Prodigy. Very the fun. The best thing about the BDO though came from an idea I had years ago whilst I was at TiTP. I’m sure it’s a coincidence, but maybe, just maybe, a multinational company got into my head and ripped off my amazing idea. At the BDO they have two main stages sandwiched together, meaning that there is about five minutes between headline bands. One stage plays whilst one is rigged. Genius. I thought of that years ago, but I’m lacking in the other million aspects of putting on a festival.

We got a train back into the city after seeing the Prodigy rip Melbourne apart, and I turned up the Scottishness just once more. I got talking to a couple of guys about the bands they’d seen, then moved on subtly to the girls they were with. One of them was paler than a new borne albino polar bear. I’m scared of the sun, I don’t want to get burnt, I do everything I can to avoid getting burnt – but when you’re Australian I’d have thought that after twenty five years or so you’d build up a little bit of resistance and colour. Not this girl. Milk bottle doesn’t quite describe the blankness of her skin. I was almost expecting the Dulux Sheepdog to run by with a can of emulsion. Anyway, I pretty much told the entire train this, much to my amusement. I’m almost sure other people were enjoying the banter, but let’s face it that’s never really been my concern, so long as I laugh I’m happy.

The white girl was joined by a few of her mates and the banter started back and forward about the kilt etc, and by the time we’re pulling into the city we’re all getting on like a house on fire. I suggest that we’ve all missed the last trams to the districts anyway, so why not head for a pint and buddy up with others to get home in a cheap taxi. There were a few awkward glances, a couple of coughs and no takers. Now I’m not one to give up so easily on a party, so trying to get a positive ‘Yes’ from them I say something along the lines of ‘Come on, it’s a laugh, we’ll get some pints, we’ve all got our drinking bands on haven’t we?’

“Um….we’re….um….”

You’ve never heard me ask for clarification for something so loudly before. The entire train erupted in laughter, stifled guffaws and straight out side splitting. I had to bite down on my hat to stop from crying. For five minutes. The bridal gown girl turned bright red all over and everyone else in the group didn’t know what to say.


They were sixteen years old.


Just as well I wasn’t flirting with them, Officer.

I’ve barely talked to someone that has a favourite teacher in the last ten years, and when I eventually do, I’m drunk with an audience on a train.

meh
( The Lurker Plenty One, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 2:20, Reply)