All I ever hear about festivals
Is how shit the toilets are. And it’s fair, festival toilets get progressively worse with each day that passes, and don’t start at a high standard. But I have the solution for you, fair festival-goer.

I experienced this at Glastonbury 04, and it made the toilet problem basically non-existent. This would even work for those of you of the female persuasion. I went from Wednesday morning until Monday afternoon, no issues.

1: Pre-festival. In your nice house, getting ready. This is essential – have a big messy shit, as close as you can to departure. The less build-up you’ve got going on, the more chance there is that you’ll make it. I’m not going to say this is essential but I think it helped as well – get yourself some weed. Start smoking it as soon as possible.

2: Festival. Queue in the baking heat, get your wristband, and walk the 26 miles to camp. Another essential here – camp within 50 yards of a grill tent – one of those places, in a marquee, selling sausage and egg baps and so on.

3: When you need a wazz, don’t go near them bogs. Urinals are much better, and with a clever campsite you’ll be able to use them for all wazzes. Females can opt for the girlie urinals complete with disposable she-wees.

4: When the munchies set in, get off to that burger tent. Order something meaty, bready and saucy. Honestly it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s fry-up territory.

5: Repeat step 4 for all meals and all munchies attacks.

You will stay so thoroughly bunged up for 5 whole days it’s actually quite scary. I didn’t feel a thing down there for the whole time, I didn’t feel horrible, but I didn’t use those toilets once. I spent a silly amount of money in that tent, but I think it made for a decent festival.

The only result I experienced was the monumental shit I had when I got home. It had the consistency of a blackhead – hard plug, through to creamy goodness.

I take no responsibility should you attempt this and experience explosive diarrhoea on Friday evening, in your tent. I will suggest a burger to bung you up though.

Also – don’t buy a didgeridoo. If you’re walking back to Glastonbury for a lift. It’s a really long way and didge’s are really heavy, I don’t know how Rolf manages.
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 8:58, 6 replies)

One word.
Immodium.
If I need to dump, then I'll take my trusty camping axe, and knock out a triangular bit of earth, a cheese wedge shaped sort of thing. In a quiet bit of land. Drop one in the hole, and , apres wipe, replace the earth. Much more satisfying. Then again, an axe nowadays may be seen as a dangerous weapon by security/Old Bill, I don't know.
Classic bit of festie graffiti, "Bury your shit, live trees don't burn." And both are good advice, stepping in a poo, bare foot, is not nice.

Edit. Didgeridoos should be banned. As should Jester hats.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 9 Jun 2009, 9:53, closed)

Sound advice
there, mate. Sound advice indeed. click
( SpankyHanky, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 10:41, closed)

Being in a tent,
while my mate dumped in a bin bag cos it was raining, was one of the more horrifying events of my life.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 9 Jun 2009, 10:45, closed)

Now that
Is rank. I was worried that I may have been a little graphic, but I'm not now. Mindbleach etc.
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:00, closed)

I did have a bit of a shudder,
remembering it.
So I thought I'd share it :)
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:21, closed)

have a click.....
'The only result I experienced was the monumental shit I had when I got home. It had the consistency of a blackhead – hard plug, through to creamy goodness.'

love it.....
(tofer is sweating like a dyslexic on countdown......, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 17:02, closed)