Passive survival.
Always been someone who was conditioned by a Catholic upbringing to see the best in others, not be aggressive, not be a dick (there were still a few at Catholic High School who didn't get the message but yeah, whatever.) and to turn the other cheek. Also, don't escalate.

I've been in 6 (does the sums, EDIT 5) fights in the past and narrowly avoided one- seeing as three where in High School I don't really count them as serious peril but there are lessons to be learned nonetheless, human nature being continuous from birth to grave.

When aged 13, I was getting the bus back from school. Jim (who was at the time the entire ethnic minority of the school- one black pupil amongst 650 WASCs) was mucking about flicking my (admittedly large) ears, much to the amusement of the other kids in the gang. Eventually I turned around, pissed off and said- 'Stop that or I'll start something' and he went for another flick- and I lost it. But as I'm basically a nice guy I didn't think 'punch him in the face', it was more 'push him away, but hard'.

Buses are hardly a roomy dojo environment for scrapping. But we tried, nonetheless.

Escalation ensued and we both went for it. He punched me, I threw in a racist slur (not proud of it, it was the 1980s and it wasn't even an accurate identification of his ethnicity anyway) so battle lines were drawn. I punched him as hard as I could (and witnesses later on said 'it looked like you were winning') but I stopped because I remembered that previously we had been friends and this was a silly thing to fall out over- typical guilt-stricken Catholic, I wanted to apologise so I lowered my fists and started saying my sorries. Oops. Jim finished the fight unapposed and I wandered home snivelling with a bloody nose. I rang him up to say sorry and much to my surprise he also felt bad about how things had gotten out of control. We made up and continued on a normal school life. Meh, Kids.

Falling out on the school field with another braggy shouty bloke who seemed to have an unusual sense of self entitlement, he hit me and I thought 'So, it's on. Return fire' but after a few blows we both got bored, perhaps realising that we were quite evenly matched so it soon degraded to shouting, and then afterwards 'Oh well. Never mind'

There was a bully who was a known hard man 'Peter' would threaten everyone and had a cadre of sycophants and gang members who would stand behind him and shake their fists in menace. One time I bumped into Pete in a corridor and he was immediately ready with fists in the air and threatening to tuough (Molesworth-esque) me up. As I was sick of being bullied by socially more popular people, brother/sister (youngest child syndrome), bossed about by parents etc. I was looking for an opportunity to prove myself (secretly I wanted to see if I was any good in a fight) so I stood up to him. For about 10 minutes (or so it seemed) we traded inane inarticulate insults as him and his entourage laughed at his threats and my rebuttals met with silence. Eventually he let me go without incident (we'd hope that 'standing up to a bully so he left you alone' would be the case, maybe he thought it best not to push my seeming self confidence in case he got shown up?? either way it ended peaceably), and thenceforth used to greet me with 'You're allright!' in the corridor, along with a super hard punch to the arm. I affected not to be bothered. It worked.

Finally, after leaving school I met an objectionable prick I used to go to school with in my pub of choice in Stourbridge, along with several others of the crowd I was at least tolerated with. Remembering that this prick used to use pisstaking (of me) as a way of gaining group acceptance I sauntered over with my pint and said to the seated wanker 'Alright Dave?' thinking- this is no longer school. The same rules do no apply. And I am looming above you.

He didn't think the rules no longer applied. Dave looked up from his seat and said 'Go away RWH, I don't like you and when I don't like people I tend to hit them'.

So that's how it's going to play out? I don't want to be intimidated so I lean over him and say 'Really?'.

The group of seated school friends titter at his brazen attitude. He's smiling like a shit eater at this point so I thought the chances of actual harm were remote'

No, he punches upwards and gets me in the cheek which makes the combined group laugh. Then sits down, still smiling, to see how I react.

So what do I do now?

Think... to escalate is an all out punch up. This is my pub and I don't want to get barred. So, recalling an anecdote I'd heard about a famous local hardman from many years before, I copy the 'style'-I made as to not be bothered from the ssault and calmly enquire 'So. What did you do that for Dave?'.

I thought I'd won a point as he looked a little confused that it was not panning out the way he thought it was going to go...but the slow-lit fuse of rage suddenly caught up and enflamed my anger, so calm quickly gave way to hot-faced rage.

Subsequently I lost my cool and shouted off an adrenaline fuelled, badly phrased spur-of-the-moment angry speech about what I'd do to him if he ever did that again, which came across comedically bad to the rest of the pub and just made people laugh.

Stomping out of the pub I saw a WPC patrolling the precinct opposite and asked how A.N.Onymous could report an assault. Finding out that they'd need witnesses and the people he was with would have had a sudden memory lapse meant I had nothing. I went home and resolved to do better next time.

Next time in Stourbridge again, maybe only 6 months later, drunkenly going for a kebab at the place next to the subway to the bus station, I espied a rather large gent with popeye forearms, back-of-the-neck fat rolls, beer gut to die for and tats up and down both arms, poking through a tattered Judas Priest t-shirt (and I bet he was one of the many who thought JP was the epitome of METAL hardness without realising Rob Halford was gay, which that kind of metal fan would end up being quite cross about.... but I digress.

Later on I was to find out this man-lump was called Dale and was a typical 'goes down the pub looking for a fight guy' who claimed to be in the SAS but probably wouldn't have made the jog to the C-130 without popping a heart valve. Still, aggression is 9/10ths of the fighty bastard, eh?

Stumbling about outside with my kebab I must have looked like an easy target for a slap (purple paisley shirt, skinny jeans, 10 stone 18 year old with longish hair) so he called across to me 'Oi, what team do you support?'.

I suspected there was a wrong answer to be had here and he was already making warm-up exercise swings with his arms. Thinking there were only so many local teams to choose from, I tried to size him up as a likely West Brom/Birmingham City/Aston Villa fan, when I spotted the tattoos on his arms were all Wolves. Oh, that's easy I thought, if I like Wolverhapton Wanderers as well he won't be looking to knock my block off.

'Wolves, course' I replied, knowing this had got me off the hook.

Nope. He just wanted some flimsy justification to set about me and because I didn't satisfy him with the wrong answer, he ignored it and started slapping and punching me.

Now, as I've already said, I was very pissed at the time so the punches just seemed to bounce off me- I heard the vibrational impacts in my ear, felt a kind of numb shock but not really pain so it took me a while to realise what was happening- then sense took over and I legged it. My younger lithe self was too quick for him so I managed to escape. Phew.

Except that we both went around opposite sides of the same block and I bumped into him again a few minutes later and with me adrenalised and a bit more aware. I said 'Look mate, we've had a misunderstanding. Let's forget it and...' ah no, I was back in fist range now so he started lamping me again. Again I ran off. Woke up the next morning with wet cold feet and missing shoes, god knows what happened afterwards, face fairly bruise-y but no major damage. What a cunt. But then me- what a naive twat.

And to a few years ago when (at 38) a friend and I who had known each other since we were 4. We were walking across a petrol station forecourt in one direction, 11 o'clock on a Friday night having sunk some pints in town. The usual post-pub kebab-seeking journey, shooting the shit and punning about obscure in-jokes. Tom is tickled by a remark I make and laughs out loud just as a gang of spotty yoofs were going the other way across the forecourt. Upon hearing Tom laugh out loud one of the yoofs imitates it 'Hur hur hur that's really funny, NOT'.

Slightly annoyed I tossed the riposte 'You wouldn't even understand why it's funny' and went on, intent on going about my business.

'YOU WOT?' came the aggressive teenage sulky riposte. 'Never mind' said I, walking on. Only he chased me down and confronted me."You think you're so fucking clever etc." and "What are you, like, 40? (38 you cheeky fucker) And you're scared of a 16 year old?".

No, I wasn't scared but I was aware that Tom who I was with was a primary school teacher, and 'Angry 40 (38) year old beats up 16 year old child while primary school teacher watches' headline in the local paper wouldn't help his career at all.

'Whatever' I say, walking off, 'I'm going somewhere you're not allowed- the pub'. I'm aware that he is following me and his posse are holding cricket fielding positions in a circle around me.

'You're running away!' he gloats, skipping along beside me, 'You're running away from a 16 year old!'

'No, I'm not starting on you because if I did you'd end up in hospital' I retorted shortly.

*Bang* he punched me in the eye out of the dark as I wasn't facing him, so hard that I *saw* a flash of light because of my shocked nerves and it was midnight dark.

Once again I thought- here we go, do I react in the following manner-
1) Go mental, (*try to*) break him into a million pieces, not be proud of myself, face jail time.
2) Go mental, his gang joins in, I get kicked to pieces.
3) Ignore and laugh it off as inconsequential.

I go for option 3, carry on to the pub leaving him surrounded by his mates, congratulating him for 'seeing me off'. Go to bar, get pint proceed to drink the pint.

Someone in the pub does a double take, looks concerned and asks me if I've seen myself.

Turns out the little shit was wearing a sovereign ring and when he punched me, one side of his ring left a crescent shaped cut in my skin which had started to drip blood. Deep enough to leave a scar which is still visible under strong light. Fuck. I'm most annoyed because he still believes that he 'won', whereas I know I've avoided going to jail for not reacting.

Now, I don't like fights and I will prefer to talk my way out of them but if it's unavoidable then I have a pre-rehearsed set of moves from when I did karate aged 16. It's not about the punching or kicking but the putting the opposition in a position where they are disadvantaged- usually on their ass.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 21:34, 8 replies)

Hagley High School?
( 4Q just lurking, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 21:39, closed)

star wars actually

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 21:45, closed)

indeedy.
Top local knowledge there :-)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 21:48, closed)

I went there myself for a few months.

( 4Q just lurking, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 21:51, closed)

Paul Hill era or earlier?
I'm 41 now so that goes a long way back.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 22:06, closed)

I'm 45 and I was only there for a few months in the 5th year.
Due to moving from Mum's to Dad's and back again.
I don't really remember much about it at all, but because I'd come from a grammar school I was considered worthy of being made a prefect straight away and given the job of patrolling the area where people were known to smoke at lunchtime. This worked out well for me, because I could confiscate other kids' cigarettes and smoke them myself. What could they say?
( 4Q just lurking, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 22:21, closed)

One of my favourite things on u bend. Its simply beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=eIwEZyzHmZw
(Finster Ate a cat biscuit for a bet, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 0:32, closed)

street theatre :-)
thanks for that. Makes me glad we don't have to live with neighbour warfare though.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 16 Mar 2013, 0:49, closed)

blah blah blah fucking blah tl;dr

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 4:19, closed)

Not everything can be condesed down to a snappy one-liner.
I'm not an ad exec, you know.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 16 Mar 2013, 10:20, closed)

words

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 8:20, closed)

correct.
Pass Go, collect £200.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 16 Mar 2013, 10:21, closed)

Sweet.
Can I pay you £100 to make it shorter?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 11:23, closed)

if it's TL;
DR.

Dr.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 16 Mar 2013, 12:39, closed)

I don't even read the short ones.
I'm the reason blah blah blah.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 13:57, closed)

Concise version...
You're a pathetic push-over who despite being provoked, bullied, punched and taken the piss out of, has never had the balls to ever (properly) retaliate. This doesn't qualify for the subject "fight", please pea-roast this when the subject is "I'm a pussy-arsed coward who appeases himself with some bullshit childhood religious-conditioning excuses".
I don't like violence myself but ffs...if you can never stick up for yourself then you almost deserve to be beaten up.
Man-up mate!
( Twizla ...a shrew living on the edge of a bog, extinct on, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 0:46, closed)