My fight failures #32431
As outlined in another post, I used to fancy myself as somewhat ‘tasty’ in a fight.
Just to be clear, I am not. My reasons for thinking otherwise were muddled to say the least, but I think they mostly revolved around my height and my genitals. “I am tall so must be hard, I am male so HAVE to be hard.”

Here for your delectation are my top three fight failures.

NUMBER 1!
I left a nightclub with some mates and saw a mass brawl kick off in front of us. “Let’s walk home the other way,” said my friends. NEVER. I am drunk, and afraid of no-one. I walked through the middle of the scrum, flapping my wrists about and shouting OOOOO, HAVING A FIGHT ARE WE GIRLTH?
One man broke away from his grapple and hit me once, twice, three times with some admittedly beautiful left and right hooks.
Result: black eye, broken nose, the hooting derision of my friends.

NUMBER 2!
Bullies! Bullies, in my local! The fucking nerve. After an hour of their goading and unpleasantness, I threw Hulk mode right in their face. Lots of roaring and snorting and intimidation. And the result was … absolutely nothing. Not a flicker of concern from any of them. Better take this up a notch, I thought, and promptly swatted a lit cigarette from the ringleader’s mouth. That’ll show him.
His mate ran up behind me and walloped me, then kicked me in the head as I lay on the floor.
Result: skinned forehead, broken jaw.

And my favourite … NUMBER 3!
Some dishevelled weirdo began vocally harassing me and some female friends as we walked home from the pub. Everyone else ignored him and walked off. Not me. Time for some rough justice, wino! I pushed him to the floor and told him to FAAAAAAACK OFF YOU CUUUNNT.

He got up and stabbed me in the chest.


Don’t fuck with me, people. I’m very very dangerous.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 16:02, 10 replies)

No no no, we're not doing this anymore.
We're posting about how we're leaving because of some imaginary group of people even though they don't bother us at all.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 16:05, closed)

Shit, sorry.
I'll stick up a load of earnest hand wringing in a sec. Thanks for keeping me on-message.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 16:11, closed)

I am very, very angry with you
In the time it took me to post a story about me getting my head kicked in, you've done much the same, but better.

In fact, I think I'll have to fight you now.

*squares up*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 16:09, closed)

*demands to be held back*

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 16:12, closed)

*makes ill-founded accusations about parentage*

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 16:13, closed)

I left ages ago.
I'm only back now so I can leave again but this time with more panache.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 16:17, closed)

I've left forever more times than you've had hot dinners, sonny.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 16:45, closed)

Cripes! If ever I think about reacting to something instead of walking away I hope I recall story number 3 first.

( Pig Bodine., Wed 20 Mar 2013, 16:36, closed)

My girlfriend didn't speak to me for two days.
Apparently to prove how utterly unimpressed she was by a) my pathetic attempts at being a hardman, and b) my fucking AWESOME stab wound.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 16:43, closed)

Yeah right, we all known chicks dig scars.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 18:29, closed)