Hospitalized 2: Redux - The sequel
Okay Hugh Grant and Patrick Swayze battled with some Russians in my first post which can be found here (sorry it's not a link, I am not IT expert):

www.b3ta.com/questions/films/post204012

And so here is the sequel...it is obviously a bigger budget sequel with less coherent plot and would clearly be the blockbuster disappointment of the summer if it was ever released. Enjoy anyway.

Hospitalized II: Redux

The film opens on Mr Ballamatron, Patrick Swayze himself in sunglasses enjoying a pina colada on the beaches of Cuba. There is no reason for this other than to show he is enjoying himself. He makes some lame remark to himself about loving the sea – 'Ah, I love it here, so peaceful.' He lifts up his paper which reads that a war has started. 'The opposite to war' he says. He sips his pina colada a little more before a shadow comes across him. Swayze looks up. Hugh Grant is standing over him. He calls him Ballamaman affectionately. He asks him what numbers he wants from the takeaway later and writes down what Swayze says. They talk a little about the thriving war between Russia and the United States and also about the previous film in case anybody watched this film without having previously watched the arse-kicking awesomeness that was Hospitalized.

Hugh Grant as Timothy Bottomley decides to grab a chair next to Swayze. He sits down and watches as Swayze's pina colada is shot out of his hand. They both look behind them to see an Odd Job-alike in full waiter outfit yelling in Russian, with a pistol in his hand. 'I work for Yuri' says the man. 'But you were my trusted aide!' Shouts Swayze, 'I told you everything!' Swayze takes of his sunglasses and propels them at Odd Job-alike knocking him unconscious. 'Oakleys, dressed to kill' says Swayze in a clear piece of product placement. They get up and walk towards the man. 'What was he saying about Yuri?' says Hugh, remembering Yuri was featured in the last film as some Russian Commander man. Swayze reiterates that the man worked for him but questions how he got his gun and got onto establishment to kill him. 'The Russians are coming' deduces Swayze. 'Quick, we must get back to the building.' Swayze pushes a tree down (fake obviously) revealing a trap door. They run down it and through a series of tunnels to the building – another Swayze owned hospital. Grant looks around him and stops. 'What the-'

Grant has good reason to be shocked. In this tunnel, which he obviously didn't know existed, are various weapons. 'Cold war weapons' says Swayze. Grant inspects them closely. Made in Russia. 'And now they want them back' says Swayze. He explains a random backstory, about how after the first film he moved all the weapons from that hospital to this Cuban hospice, knowing they would be safe here. Why keep them? Says Grant, money says Swayze. Swayze logs in to some computers in this tunnel and sees screens of his hospice. At that moment, he radios Jacinta, whose voice makes her sound like a complete babe, saying he needs her here quickly and that where she is is unsafe. 'And make it fast' adds Hugh for no other reason than to appear bumbling. He quivers his lip a little more.

Cut to Jacinta in her retreat, nearish to the beach. She is clearly some kind of scientist. But more importantly, she is eye candy and obvious future love interest to our Tim, Hugh Grant. She looks out the window and radios Swayze back. What is it says Swayze. The Russians, she says, they are approaching the beaches. 'Shit' says Swayze, 'get out of there'. The Russians make up two helicopters and a loads of boats a little further away. This is crucial to the next bit of the story. Jacinta packs a rucksack and runs out to her quad bike. She revs it up as goes like the fucking wind along the sand. These shots will probably make her look a lot like Lara Croft and make any action fanboy fall in love. By now she has her headset on and is radioing Swayze as she drives along the beach. 'I got visitors' she says as two helicopters begin firing at her. She does some crazy jumps and swerves to avoid the bullets. Just keep going says Swayze. 'When do I not?' says Jacinta. Yes, that's right, she is also a slut. Jacinta stops her quadbike. She takes out some kind of bazooka and aims it at the helicopters. She hits one, it swerves wildly into the other. Together they create a huge fireball explosion and fall into the sea. 'Hot stuff' says Jacinta. 'With Cold War weapons' smiles Swayze. She tells him that more Russians are approaching by boat and easily drives the rest of the way to the secret lair. Swayze lets her in.

Swayze tells her to wait for a bit and that he and Hugh will arm themselves and take on some Russian badasses. Together they run off with loads of weapons, and hide amongst the trees. The Russian boats pull up. A single Russian officer, namely, Yuri, approaches the beach with a white flag in his hand and a megaphone. 'All I want is the weapons.' Says Yuri. He waits for a few seconds before saying that Swayze can come out now and end this futile fighting. Grant and Swayze mouth 'fuck that shit' to each other and Yuri says fine. He looks at the hospice. His second in command chucks him something with a red button on it. Yuri presses it.

KABOOM!

Holy shit! This film has way more money to waste than the first one! The hospice gets blow to smithereens. Jacinta runs out of the tunnel into Hugh's arms. Bless. Meanwhile, Swayze calmly walks out to face Yuri. Yuri says that Swayze knows what they are after. The document says Yuri. Woah, plot twist or what!? Swayze says he thought they wanted the weapons. No says Yuri, the document_ I don't have it, says Swayze. Then I have no choice but to- BANG. Grant plants a bullet in Yuri's sidekick's head. 'Kill you?' Says Grant? They run away under heavy fire from the Russian army. Yuri is incensed with rage.

Through the trees, the three of them run until they get to a safe distance – as they run, Swayze criticises Grant's aiming. 'I haven't shot in a while!' says Grant. Jacinta then says that she wouldn't mind Grant shooting at her and Grant as usual doesn't understand. 'But that would kill you' he says. They stop for a bit to rest and Swayze explains – 'They want the codes to the nukes. I have three of their cold war nukes, they have the other 3. But I have all the codes.' Holy shit. The scene cuts back to Yuri on the beach. 'Now, they must die' he says solemnly and quietly to himself. He makes some random arm movements and his men set to work.

Our three heroes are lead by Swayze to another secret hideout in this forest area. The man seems to have crafted his own real life Tracey Island. They walk the steps into another of these underground basement type things and Grant asks about the document_ The problem is apparently that Swayze doesn't actual have the codes on him. He used to store them under the hospice. Since it has been blown to smithereens, it may take some finding. Jacinta explains that they can get to the Hospice through these underground tunnels. And luckily, she designed them! Who woulda thunk it? Damn what a lucky bunch they are. So Jacinta leads them along some passage ways telling them how to get through to beneath the Hospice as there are certain booby traps. Yes, this film just does not stop the action flowing.

They make it to beneath the Hospice. Meanwhile the Russians are directly above them having been tipped off by Odd Job-alike that the codes are somewhere in the wreckage. They lift up the top of a hatch which is in the front garden area of the now wrecked Hospice. Jacinta is sent up first to distract the Russian soldiers. She calmly walks out and past everyone as if on a casual walk through. All the Russian soldiers stop and look at her. Damn is she sexy. Meanwhile, Swayze and Grant escape the hatch and manage to find the safe that the codes are in, battered but still secure. Swayze and Grant run it away from the hospice as Jacinta still distracts the Russians. Swayze sticks some dynamite to it and they run for cover. The door is blown clean off and the Russians all turn around (silly Patrick). Jacinta beats up a fair few Russians as Patrick and Hugh grab the document and run towards her, dodging enemy fire. Yuri is incensed. 'After them!' he says. He then radios something to someone. We don't hear it. But damn! Jacinta gets held down and taken. Hugh wants to go after her. Swayze says, 'no, we can get her later.' Awesome.

Hugh and Swayze get into a car and drive like the fucking wind. Meanwhile, the Russians come after them in not one but two super tanks. These things don't exist in real life. It is essentially a tank that can go like the fucking wind, meaning they are the same speed as our heroes. Swayze tells Hugh to check the boot where there is apparently a mine. Hugh grabs it and is told to lob it out the back. He does this and one of the super tanks hits it and for some reason it blows up. Swayze explains 'Super mine – Jacinta made it last year'. Fair enough then.

The other tank though races for them blowing up everything in their path, including the now defunct super tank in front of them. It blows up trees, houses and for no apparent reason, a doctor's surgery. 'Evil!' shouts Hugh. 'Pure evil!' Swayze agrees. 'I bet they'd attack a man with pancreatic cancer if it meant getting these codes' he says. All at once Swayze has an idea. He hands the codes to Hugh Grant, telling him to memorise the numbers. He does this by simply saving the number on his phone. Swayze spins the car. 'Without the codes, we can now go and save Jacinta' Grant lobs another super mine at the tank. It too blows up. 'Yes' they say. But uh-fucking-oh. Yuri appears in a helicopter and air strikes them. The plausibility of this film is now hedging around zero. But they survive with minor injuries to Swayze. 'I'll be fine' he says. 'Get Jacinta, make sure you protect our nukes and destroy the codes.' Grant runs for the Hospice once more as the car is wrecked. He dodges bullets on his way back and takes down those firing at him, Commando-style. He looks at his current gun, an AK-47. 'AK, a-ok!' he says. Smooth as.

Grant makes it to the hidden nukes and run inside but…Yuri is already there waiting for him with Jacinta tied up. He takes the codes. 'But how? You were just in a plane' 'Ah yes, my twin brother Ulrik' NO FUCKING WAY! Plot twist or what. There are two evil people! 'I don't want to kill you, I want for you to suffer with what you have done. And I don't need your nukes. Three is enough.' says Yuri. He hears a helicopter sound. 'That'll be Ulrik, goodbye silly Westerners' He leaves them handcuffed in the lair. 'I thought you destroyed the codes' says Jacinta 'I…did' says Hugh, 'I gave him some takeaway orders'. They laugh and share a kiss. Then Swayze stumbles into the room. He unties Jacinta and Grant, hears about the codes being takeaway numbers and picks up a bazooka and walks on outside. He spots Yuri. 'Hey, Yuri!' he shouts, 'Say goodbye to your brother!' Swayze turns the bazooka on the helicopter and blows it up. 'Noooooooo' shouts Yuri, 'You'll pay for this! I have the codes!' Swayze drops the bazooka. Yuri gets on a boat and he and his surviving men sail away. Grant and Jacinta walk out holding hands. 'Right' says Swayze, 'who wants some takeaway?' They laugh. All is good with the world. For now...

The End.
(Foz, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 11:17, Reply)