Best Films Ever
1. Four Weddings And a Funeral
I fingered Judy Baker in the Astoria when this was on.. It was around the time that Kristin Scott-Thomas was telling Hugh Grant that she fancied him and could never love another. I thought I was helping myself to a handful of buttered popcorn. Instead I accidentally inserted my index finger in between her labia majoris, and through a comedy of errors, bought her to an earth shuddering orgasm, whilst thinking I was actually scrabbling madly for the last piece of popcorn, swimming in the buttery juices of it's departed brothers.
(At least that's what I told the jury)

2. 28 Days Later.
This film was so frightening I actually prolapsed with shock!
Imagine if you will, my embarrasment as the pretty usherette with the not unappreciable rack was called over, armed with a warm shoe-horn, she crammed my sagging anus back into its correct position, and I penguin walked out of the auditorium.
I was able to make use of this though, in my temporary career change to a Charlie Chaplin impersonator.

3. Superman III
During this pathetic follow-up to a pathetic follow-up, Timothy "Fatty" Wilson clumsily attempted to commit suicide off of the circle into the stalls below.
He acheived the unwanted side-effect of landing head first between the more than ample thighs of a local fat girl, from whence he spent the duration of the film uttering muffled protestations and acting as an impromptu table for her dustbin liner full of popcorn and bucket of cola. He married her 10 years later. I remember we had lard at the reception dinner, paramedics were on standby.

4. Legends of the Fall.
This marathon bum-numb furnished me with ample opportunity to catch up on my sleep, after an entire week spent bouncing up and down on the naked form of my new girlfriend.
I hadnt slept properly for days and the repose this film afforded me enabled me to recharge the old batteries and replenish my stocks of zinc before another evening spent shooting bollock-load after bollock-load of spunk up her crimson flue.

5. Please Sir! The movie.
I laughed so hard whilst watching this film I required medical attention and a defibrillator. Even after this narrow brush with death I still went home with my underpants liberally filled with feculence, so forceful was my cachinnation. Mind you, I got a whole carriage to myself on the tube, which afforded me ample time to reflect on the comedic genius of the scriptwriters of the movie..
(Vic Flange, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 21:52, 3 replies)

Hahahaha
Genius! *click*
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 2:22, closed)

I think I see a winner.
Beautifully done, sir. I would give you a click for each one if I could work out how to clear my browser cache.

"Lard at the reception dinner." I had to feign a coughing fit in the office for that one...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 11:15, closed)