A long, long time ago (2000ish)
I was in the pub with 2 mates of mine, my brother, his missus, and her mate Elle*. Night went on, bit of chatting, this and that, you know how it goes.
As we're leaving, Elle pulls me to one side and asks
"Where are you going now?"
As I was seeing someone at the time (we're not all bastards), I said "I've got to walk home. It's 5 miles, but there's 3 of us, it's OK."

"Would you like to come back for a coffee?"
[this needs NO translation, ever.]

[Apart from my testicles, who said:]

"No thanks, I don't drink coffee."

Quick as a flash, she responds with "cup of tea?"
[You can't get more in than that]

[Unless the balls respond:]

"I'd love to, but it's a long walk home, we'd better get going"

It's not that my mates gave me a hiding for being a stupid twat, it's more that the girl I was being faithful to was seeing a friend of mine behind my back for 6 months!

Bastard? I wish I had been now...

length? Hour and a half walk. Uphill.

*names changed to protect my embarrassment
(iamjthearmeroar, Fri 19 Feb 2010, 3:59, Reply)