Checkout
Walking into my local minimarket I was metaphorically knocked sideways. No, not by the sort of prices that only a big league Columbian drugs baron could afford, but by the bored looking teenage girl working behind the counter. I had a hankering for a garlic sausage sandwich and sex. Realizing prostitutes were out of my price range I settled on the sandwich instead.

Bread – check. Butter – check. Garlic sausage – check. (I was single at the time and my fridge was just a place to cool my beer down in. I think I had some Worcestershire sauce, soy sauce, and half a box of cornflakes in my kitchen at the time).

I go over to the till. The bored looking girl rings the items through and I stood there looking like a sad lonely bachelor about to spend the evening eating garlic sausage sandwiches while wanking over internet porn. The girl gets to the garlic sausage. A long phallic chunk of garlicy goodness. She tries to ring it through. It doesn’t work. She examines the barcode, realizes its scrunched up and proceeds to flatten it out with her hands.

I stood and watched, gulping down air as this bored teenager proceeded to wank off my sausage with dexterity and expertise. It was like watching a sex ninja perform the perfect handjob. I just couldn’t let it pass.

“Now that’s a lucky sausage,” I remarked.

She gazed up at me, realizing what it looked like she was doing. And – thankfully – she smiled and let out a little laugh. “All part of the service,” she said in the most smutty way imaginable.

And then I was hooked. For the next week I made a point of visiting my local minimarket every night on my way home from work. By the end of the week my fridge was stocked with a veritable smorgasbord of phallic shaped food items. She was only a kid, it was only a bit of harmless flirting, but it sort of passed the time.

Then the next time I went in there I was greeted by Mr Shah’s familiar screwed up old face. Feeling a little disappointed as his crabby old hands rang through my wares, I said: “That girl you had in here last week. Between you and me, she was a bit of a goer. The things she said she’d do with a Pepperami. Pwhhoooo!”

Mr Shah finished packing my gear.

“And that would be my daughter,” said Mr Shah.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 13:08, 3 replies)

Foot in mouth syndrome
right there :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 13:39, closed)

Hahahahaha
You really should collate these.

Are any of them real? They're absolutely superb.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:04, closed)

A long phallic chunk of garlicy goodness
gave you away. :) Click
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 15:40, closed)