What we are going to do is go back in time.....
~~~~~ wavy time lines ~~~~~

It's 1979 and for some bizarre reason, my Comprehensive School has decided that all girls should have a go and teh metal-working and teh wood-working, and all boys should turn their hands to needle-working and cookery-cum-cuntery.

I have to say, that those two terms spent cooking and sewing were the happiest of all my happy school days.

Cookery was the best. We were sent a couple of miles away to an annexed area that held the kitchens. And we were let loose with gas, ovens, chemicals and flour - it was superb.

Most afternoons involved waiting for the teacher to disappear into the stock room - and then lock her in, whilst we had flour and and "Handy Andy" (pre-90's CIF look-a-likey) fights. The times we did make something, you could not leave your bowl, tray or whatever, unguarded because you knew someone would gob in it, or worse.

Our stint in the kitchens coincided with the autumn term, so we were there in the run up to Xmas. The school had a "Coffin Dodger's Xmas Party" were someone from each class (usually a girl) selected some local old bastard to attend, and then someone else of the opposite sex from the class to attend as host and hostess to the chosen biddy. And of course, all the party food was made in school kitchens by students. This included our class!

My table of 4 were selected to make Chocloate-Eclairs, others did Sausage Rolls, Mince Pies and the like.

We set about whipping the cream. All you could hear was the sound of loud snifflings and wretchings as the cream was gobbed into. If someone was short of gob, a visiting student would sidle up and help by gobbing in the bowl.

Salt was used where sugar could have been added. Handy-Andy and Fairy Liquid was added to pastry. Nose pickings, small amounts of piss, knob cheese, ajax, vim, where all mixed in.

On the day of the Old Bastard's Party, we spent the day looking through the glass slits in the school hall doors, laughing at all the poor fuckers eating that crap - and especially one of our number who had been selected to attend as host. He was having decline all offers of food placed under his nose.

I know it's childish, but I still laugh at my wonderful school days.....
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 8:21, 2 replies)

Why?
You horrid, horrid man.
( Ghoti Fingers, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 8:24, closed)

I was a horrid boy..
... I'm a normal, well balanced and respectful man these days*


* May contain lies.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 8:26, closed)