The Christian Union
During my brief flirtation with Christianity at university (her name was Wendy and she had a heavenly rack), I occasionally visited the Christian Union for one of their non-alcoholic soirees. On one such evening, I was put in charge of the catering and decided to have a bit of fun.

Soft drinks were the only kind available: orange squash, Vimto and diet Coke. But I had smuggled a milk bottle of alcohol from home. Not just any alcohol, but pure alcohol made from potatoes in a copper still by my Ukranian housemate. He'd put a homemade label on the bottle reading "Uwaga! Smierc" - or, "Attention! Death!" This was the brand name. I divided the whole bottle evenly between the soft drinks and retired to a safe distance.

Within about ten minutes, Theobald (the skeletal biology PhD) was humping the lectern and Deborah (the owlish treasurer) waa twirling her voluminous underpants about her head while flashing a (burning) bush of arboreal proportions to all assembled. After about half an hour, the homophobic accountancy student Gerald was vogueing to Belinda Carlisle with his shirt tied off to reveal his midriff.

So far so good, I thought. Then some arrogant tosser (Caleb - the Texan fruitcake) asked me for a milkshake. We didn't have any milk and I would have had to run to the campus supermarket to get some, but he insisted. So I asked myself what Jesus would have done. And the answer was: "Buy the fucking milk and then do a shit in it."

I handed the tall glass to Caleb, who immediately noticed the tapered end of my still-steaming log emerging from the milk. "What's that!?" he yelped.

"It's chocolate. From a tube," I said. "If it smells like last night's biryani, that's only because it's fair trade and made by Christan cocoa workers in Bethlehem."

That was all the promting he needed, and the turd slipped down his gullet without a protest. Never mind that he was later rushed to hospital with a serious bacterial infection and mild brain damage.

Later, I encouraged Wendy to suck 'condensed milk' through a girthy straw while wearing a blindfold. She said it tasted "a bit off", bless her.
(frankspencer, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 9:24, 3 replies)

great story, Frank
Your ace.
(frankspencer, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 9:52, closed)

You get a click
for the reply.

That's not to say that the story is not without merit - it's a good story, but it's the reply that pushes it into the bounds of the sublime.

The stories with the porn twist are now common here - of course yours are always amongst the best. However, only you have that tart edge of bitterness.

Mr Spencer I salute you.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 10:27, closed)

You
deserve the biggest click of all, for being so ace as to have spawned a generation of imitators.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 20:15, closed)