Piss soup
Moving away to start college in another town, in typical fashion I left finding my accomodation for the year until the weekend before I was due to start. Which unfortunately meant all the good digs were taken.

I ended up in a flatshare with another student couple, and my landladys 50+ dodgy unemployed, alcoholic, trampalike friend, who I shall call Jim, because that was his name.

For the first few days all was fine, bonded with the student couple and their mates, went out, got pished, had a few tame gatherings in the flat. Jim, although not the type of person I really wanted to be sharing with, was friendly enough and seemed to let us get on with things. Until Thursday came.

Thursday, was Giro day, and we were to learn that on Giro day, Jim gets up very early, and spends the day pissing his giro up against the wall. Then he would come home, hammered, get quite aggresive and shout abuse at us in only the way a tanked up Glaswegian tramp could.

Even this though, was just funny. It never turned to actual violence, and if it had have done we could have kicked the shit out of him. Jim actually endeared himself to us eventually, as a former electrician he knew how to wire the electricity box up to bypass the card meter, so thanks to him we didn't pay a penny for electricity for about six months.

A few months later though and I'd fallen behind with my rent, but managed to get an emergency loan from the college. Jim was going to see our landlady that day, so I handed him two months rent to take to her. He arrived back hammered that night, unheard of on Monday evening, his giro never lasted that long. He also had a bottle of whiskey, not his usual Jakey cans of special brew. He was hammered again tuesday and wednesday night. We'd assumed he'd had a win on the horses or something, or a long lost relative had died and left him a few pounds, didn't even consider the fact that he might not have bothered giving my rent to the landlady, and had instead decided to drink it all.

Which, as I discovered after my landlady phoned looking for my rent, was exactly the case. She hadn't recieved a penny of it. I couldn't prove I'd given it him, but she seemed to take my word for it, so at least I was off the hook. I was still fucking pissed off though.

A crowd of us came back to the flat that night after the pub, and jim had left half a pot of home made soup on the cooker. Sensing my chance for revenge, I filled a pint glass with the evenings alcohol and kebab flavoured piss, and tipped it into the soup. It was decided we shouldn't ever use the glass again, so it was smashed on the floor. One of my flatmates tried to pick up the broken glass and slashed his hand open, so the resulting flow of blood was also emptied into the soup.

The next day we sat, rough as fuck, trying to hold in the bokes as Jim happily munched his way through the remainder of his pan of pissblood soup.

Christmas time was coming, my flatmates were going to be moving to new accomodation in January, and had stored their stuff in my room, so they didn't have to pay rent over Christmas, while they were away home. I too was heading home and (because of a conspiracy theory we'd cooked up about Jim being able to get into our locked rooms) i'd left a note as a joke in my room saying "MERRY CHRISTMAS JIM, BY THE WAY, I PISSED IN YOUR SOUP. YOU CUNT." I never thought he'd ever see it, as I didn't believe he could actually get into our rooms.

Unfortunately my stay at home over Christmas was extended by an extra fortnight, my stepdad died on hogmanay and I stayed at home longer to look after my mum. As the only keyholder to my room back in Paisley, my ex flatmates were unable to get their stuff out of my room, so Jim ended up kicking my door in to help them get their stuff. Allowing him to read my note.

He never left me any similar notes, but I could pretty much guarantee that in the remaining four months of living in that flat, I must have unknowingly consumed a good quantity of his piss, and probably shit and spunk too for that matter.

But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right?
( wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 13:53, 1 reply)

"But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right?"
Try telling that to someone with muscular dystrophy
(SarcasticBarSteward wants to be good at Photoshop when he grows up, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 20:43, closed)