Oh Ben, What a mess.
I'm in a little known, highly talented ska band which recently got off tour from around the UK. Naturally, with a bunch of 18 year olds on their first real road trip, there was tomfoolery aplenty.

For many of us, having come from private school with very little life experience, living on a budget was proving to be quite a task. But we soon learned how to feed 7 starving mouths with next to no cash, with the help of our little friend Asda "Smart Price", whose aisles were full of wondrously cheap delights, none of which were quite as they first appeared.

It soon became our ritual to locate our closest miracle factory with the aid of our tomtom, troop in with no more than £20 between us, and buy just enough food to survive the next day or so. A favourite of ours was to buy 4 large unsliced loaves of bread, along with 4 whole cooked chickens and then whatever we could manage in terms of cheese or mayo, totalling around £20.

Outside, we'd set up by our van, hollow out the loaves of bread, pull the chickens apart and stuff them in. And there you would have a mass of food at least several times the size of your stomach, which would hopefully last a full day.

Naturally, a meal this size would not be consumed in a single sitting, especially taking into account our shrunken stomachs, so a sizable remainder was always wrapped up and saved for later. I can tell you there were few things on tour nicer than discovering your left over sandwich, when you are cold and hungry, facing another night under the stars.

So one evening, having played a good show at a small venue somewhere in the northern reaches of England, we retired to our van to formulate a plan for the night. Ben [I intend to use his real name as I know he reads b3ta] felt the urge to go back inside for a shit. While he was gone we discovered our left over sandwiches and began to happily munch away. His, in his absence was left untouched, and it was felt an unmissable opportunity to single him out and make him feel stupid.

To first make clear exactly how bad the following really is, I’ll ask you to take into account that on tour, we did not have the luxury of frequent showers. We had the odd opportunity, but they were few and far between. Consequently, we smelled pretty fuckin’ awful.

It was decided that the appropriate course of action was to pass Ben’s sandwich around the group, each touch our arse with it, and pass it on. After one circuit there were six arses effectively IN the sandwich, but this was not enough. When it found its way back to the hands of the original instigator of the sabotage, a questionable character by the name of PM, a challenge was issued from the group for PM to “touch it with his knob”. PM Went one better and fully penetrated the sandwich, with a moan.

When Ben immerged from the building, post-shite, he suspected nothing. The sandwich had been neatly repackaged, and we did our best not to piss ourselves with stifled sniggers as it was offered to him. He took it, and walked slowly about the van as he ate. By the last few bites, we were no longer doing a good job of covering up the hilarity of the situation, and even as we fell about laughing right in front of him, Ben would not be deterred from his delicious sandwich.

With the damage done, there was nothing for it but to tell poor Ben what had been so funny.
There does in fact exist a poorly filmed, dimly lit video in which Ben can be seen still holding the plastic bag from whence the sandwich had come, being informed of his misfortune. The dialogue is something to this effect:

[PM]: [out of shot] So, Ben. You’ve just had a shit. How was it?
[Ben]: Mm, satisfying.
[PM]: And you also just had your sandwich. How was that?
[Ben]: Mm, also satisfying.
[PM]: It tasted good then?
[Ben]: Mm, yes.
[PM]: It didn’t taste at all of cock?
[Ben] *Spaks out and runs about in road*

When he’d finished almost being killed by cars, Ben returns to the still running camera and says something along the lines of:

[Ben]: So what you’re telling me is I’ve practically sucked your cock?
[PM]: That’s right Ben.
[Ben]: Mm. Third base – Score!
(ShitBitch, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 13:09, 4 replies)

firstly
just wondering what ska band your in?
i have no secondly, apart from good story =]
(bryony*niamh kneecaps exist to be hit with clawhammers., Mon 22 Sep 2008, 17:39, closed)

Third Base?
I never said that. What are you trying to make me look, gay?

We're not benders. Whatever you might have heard about misplaced lemurs.

You've forgotten to mention that I thought you were all laughing cause you'd smoked up while I was gone. I'm not a retard. Really.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 20:12, closed)

To be fair ben
You really are a retard.

By the by, we are Bigtopp. ;D
(ShitBitch, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 9:42, closed)

have to say
just had a listen to your music and you are definatly ska of the most woo-some, hopefully catch you on your next tour
(bryony*niamh kneecaps exist to be hit with clawhammers., Tue 23 Sep 2008, 14:02, closed)