Self Sabotage
I hosted a dinner party for some friends I'd met at the Rotary Club

I planned a menu of such exquisiteness and culture that Noel Coward himself would've left a small splatter of pre-cum in the crotch of his underpants, such would've been his excitement.

- Pan Seared quails livers on a bed of red cabbage.

- Chicken Marengo with Dauphinoise Potatoes and a port jús.

- A luxury Sherry Trifle with fresh summer fruits.

- Cheese and Biscuits.

Sadly as I am exceptionally badly organised, (I am as we speak only just completing 1994's tax return), I realised at the 11th hour that my kitchen was devoid of the necessary ingredients to conjour up this culinary festival.

I had no quails livers, and had to make do with a packet of Lambs liver which I found at the back of the freezer.
To compound my error, I also discovered that Chicken Marengo requires Crayfish tails....
... and chicken.

It was to this end that I served the following amended menu to my slightly bemused dinner guests.

- Lambs Liver on a bed of pickled lettuce.

- Turkey Twizzlers in tomato and onion with a fish finger garnish.

- Happy Shopper Vodka jelly (which smelt for the world like Petrol) with dried apricots.

- Copies of Razzle salvaged from the bin store.

Two of my guests suffered accentuated attacks of dysentry after the lambs liver, and claimed to have spent the following 24 hours with (to quote one of my peers) "The sluices well and truly open at both ends". They lost 3 stone between them.

The Vodka jelly bought on a riotous bout of flatulence in the rest of us, which caused one of my neighbours to call Transco. A semi-literate simeon dragged his knuckles to my front door and nearly passed out when the fug hit him.
I think the dried apricots must've been a bit off, perhaps I shouldnt have put them in the jelly when I noticed they had been fizzing in the bottom of the bag.
(Vic Flange, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 18:53, 3 replies)

Click
I planned a menu of such exquisiteness and culture that Noel Coward himself would've left a small splatter of pre-cum in the crotch of his underpants.

Now that's classy!
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 22 Sep 2008, 19:22, closed)

Aceness
A semi-literate simeon dragged his knuckles to my front door and nearly passed out when the fug hit him.

Clickness.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 20:46, closed)

i made
a casserole of sliced lamb's hearts(my favourite), button mushrooms, red onions carrots and broccoli, served with mashed sweet potatoes and followed by home-made mango and passion fruit cheesecake, washed down with a bottle of moet, all for my boyfriend.

cunt never showed up.

i dumped him immediately and shared the meal with my mates. at least they appreciated it!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 2:27, closed)