A little wine can give your posh grub a bit of a ‘kick’ …
Yonks ago, when all this were fields…I used to host student type parties where the usual type of drunken debauchery would ensue. Good times.

One of the dead-cert invites to this party was a friend of mine called Vlad (don’t ask). He was a carrot chopper by trade but liked to dabble and experiment (with cooking…well, maybe other stuff too – He hasn’t told me).

To be fair, he was (and still is) a fucking good chef and the reason he would always be invited to parties was that he would cook us all something brillo when we were all shitfaced. Result.

One particular time the party went on…and on…and Vlad had long since passed out before the munchies overwhelmed us. When they finally struck, we woke the bugger up and ordered him to step over the puking / copulating / unconscious couples and sort us out with some chow. He went to the fridge and there wasn’t a lot, He went to the freezer..slim pickings. He checked the cupboards…not great.

So he decided to do what any self-respecting resourceful chef would do…he improvised and announced he was going to make ‘something’ with the stuff lying around.

He found some beef chunks, carrots and mushrooms…nothing wrong with that (apart from the sell by date)…but that was just the start…

He then added something like:

Chilli Powder
Mustard
Boiled Rice
Few herbs, spices and wotnot (I don’t know – I’m not a chef)

At this point he decided it wasn’t ‘moist’ enough, so he dropped in a splash of red wine. When we complained about the ‘waste’ of good wine, he explained to us plebs the qualities of ‘infusing’ different tastes and how we philistines could not understand the value alcohol could add to a meal.

So, we took him at his word…he was the expert after all…and as he wandered off looking for extra knives etc (because chef’s use a different knife for every cut apparently), we tiptoed around the sleeping partygoers and relieved them all of their partially finished drinks. Thus went into the mix:

Lager (at least 3 different kinds)
Cider
Bitter
More Wine (red & white)
Guiness
Scotch
Vodka.

Then we added:

Tobasco sauce
HP sauce
A Beef & Tomato Pot Noodle (pre-cooked, half masticated)

It was all swished around and left to simmer for an hour or so.

Then we grabbed Vlad, got him to serve it up...and we all tucked in.

It was absolutely.fucking.beautiful

I can’t explain it. It sounds more foul than drinking strained shit through Mo Mowlam’s gusset liner but the thing just worked. It wasn’t just me…everybody thought so.

Also, because Vlad was incapable of cooking in small quantities we had enough to last us about a fortnight.

If only I could bear to part with the alcohol I might try it again one day.

Food sabotage… sometimes it can surprise you
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 23 Sep 2008, 12:07, 3 replies)

I simply cannot
begin to imagine how that might taste.
And now i've got a terrible, terrible urge to try and replicate it.
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 15:24, closed)

Spiking the punch
Back in my uni days, I went to a party at a friend's house. There was a pretty impressive turnout, and to water the masses a huge vat of punch had been made and was sitting on top of the cooker. It was pretty rank, so I added a few drops of tabsco to see if the taste improved (it didn't). On seeing this my idiot friend Gavin then took it upon himself to add spoonfuls of cocoa powder, marmalade, chocolate sauce and whatever else he could find in the cupboards. When the furious hostess demanded to know who had ruined the (very expensive) punch, he try to dodge all the blame by claiming that I'd started it. Arseface.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 16:15, closed)

But...
...you DID start it.
(Musuko, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 18:11, closed)