Coeliac
My more attractive other is a coeliac. For those not schooled in the topics of 'diseases that make your starfish bleed', coeliac disease is an allergy to gluten, a protein found primarily in sandwiches, beer, cake and anything else delicious.

The only 'cure', as such, is a strict gluten-free diet. A single molecule can cause painful bum explosions, a larger quantity causes a minor, yet still dangerous, anaphylactic shock. Walking past a bakery gives him the shits.

His sister, Crazy Bitch, didn't believe it to be a genuine medical disorder. A couple of months ago, we had a happy days gathering at his parents' house. All were under strict instruction to keep his boring food well away from the lethal French bread; close proximity caused much shouting and waving of arms. His sister had other plans - she wanted to prove once and for all that he had made the whole thing up for attention!

When our backs were turned, she mixed bread crumbs in with his soup. He finished his soup with aplomb. Barely able to control herself, she stood up and laughed, "Ha! I told you that you aren't allergic, you show-off!"

He wound up in hospital, unable to breathe. I had to deal with two weeks of the toilet bowl aftermath.

Ha, yes, wasn't that a funny gag.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 19:53, 13 replies)

If you wanted
to take that further, I think the authorities call that "attempted murder"
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 20:06, closed)

Yes, I agree.
We called it 'assault' and stopped speaking to her. Or, as his mates say, "HAHAHAHAHA, your sister tried to kill you."

The level of shock could never kill him, but rather make things frighteningly uncomfortable. The worst thing, for him, are the weeks of small intestine agony and fatigue.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 20:12, closed)

anaphylactic
shock could kill. Take her to the cleaners.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 20:18, closed)

It's miserable
My bro has had a mystery digestive ailment for some time and has had to endure the indignity of having a camera in two places a camera should never go amongst the attempts to get to the er... bottom of the problem.

They still haven't diagnosed him but he is now cutting out gluten to see if it cures him, and it is no fun at all for him. The fucking stuff is EVERYWHERE. He's just started making his own bread though which is absolutely uncontaminated and totally delicious to boot.

Is your fella's sister now aware of the enormity of her ignorance and the horror of the results of it?
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 20:18, closed)

I wrote this:
I once had a blog. As such, I wrote something. Something private. Something about my bum:

"Dear my colonoscopy,

Things you don't want to hear as you slip into sedation:

"Is this the clean camera?"

God bless the NHS"

It made it into The Guardian, featured in books, discussed on the radio. It was the colonoscopy heard 'round the world.

Luckily, they completely shit you up on drugs.

Tell him it gets easier. Curry is almost always OK.

She did call a couple of weeks later, "Yeah, well, I'M SORRY." Like it was his fault for having wonky guts.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 20:31, closed)

My grandad has that
Favourite story of that is when in a restaurant they gave him one of those waffle-things with his icecream. He said he couldn't eat it, and sent it back.

Turns out they only pulled it out of the ice cream... oh the fun!

At least we didn't have to pay

and it means you can't drink beer anymore
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 20:20, closed)

Gluten free beer...
...is rank.

The hardest part is going to a foreign country, armed only with the following phrase in the local language, "I can't eat gluten or wheat."

"Is bread OK?" Oh dear lord.

Some restaurants are wise now, but clearly not ice cream parlors.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 20:35, closed)

I can't click this....
...because I'm saying "I like this" to attempted murder!

So for the record, I clicked the "wrong link", ok?
(The Stig, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 21:47, closed)

Some people...
My GF has that. Mmmm, rice cakes! All the flavour of fuck all combined with the great texture of dry raspy nastiness.

His sister sounds like a right giggle... oh hang on, mistyped that last bit....should have been spelt 'horrible cunt'.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Wed 24 Sep 2008, 0:09, closed)

what a bitch!
tell him to shit in her best hat.

oh, and "diseases that make your starfish bleed" almost had me pissing myself.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 0:38, closed)

Jesus, what a cunt
I hope you mix tapeworm eggs in her food from now on
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 10:40, closed)

Phenolphthalein indicator ftw
One of the most powerful laxatives known, now withdrawn.

Sibling rivalry eh?
( FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Wed 24 Sep 2008, 14:06, closed)

It's not bread...
my other half and I took part in a pub quiz a few months ago. After the quiz, its "traditional" for the landlady to prepare some sort of snacky foods for the punters. so a platter of sandwiches came around, these were proffered to my girlfriend who explained that as she sufferred from coeliac diesease she could not eat bread.
The landlady replied "Oh, you are ok love, they aren't on bread, they are on muffins. "
[splutters into beer]

* for any Southerners, Yorkshire types who dont know what a muffin is- look it up
(smells-like-victory-v's, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 14:51, closed)