At uni
I used to be a particular fan of sausages, but some bastard kept stealing my Pork Farms Lincolnshire chive sausages every week. So I painstakingly replaced the meat with Semtex and a pressure-sensitive detonator.

I was woken that very night by the kitchen wing being wiped off the face of the earth, along with the sausage thief, who was utterly vaporised.

But wouldn't you know it? A week later, and with the kitchen replaced with a pre-fab hut, some tosser started stealing my Dairylea cheese triangles. There was nothing for it but to pull up the lino next to the fridge and bury a colossal landmine there.

Well, you can imagine the rest. Or maybe you can't, because what happened next was quite unexpected.

Someone else had been having their food stolen, too, and they had the exact same idea of using a landmine to deter thieves. So when my landmine went off, it exploded their landmine...and a bucket of C4 that someone else had put in the fridge. The subsequent explosion was so massive that the pre-fab kitchen was lifted into orbit and is circling the Earth as you read this.

The crater went right to the molten core of the planet.
(frankspencer, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 21:59, 9 replies)