Sooo many...
... I was scratching my head last night trying to think of any, but suddenly the floodgates have opened and I'm going to have to save some time by reverting to just the punchlines;

1. (Posh bint at some function or other telling a group of acolytes that her boyfriend had to work on Christmas day) Me : "Which shop does he work in then?". Her : "He's a jockey".

2. Me : (to a bald barmaid) : "Christ, that's a radical solution to dandruff, hehehe". Her : "More like a radical side-effect of chemotherapy".

3. Me : "So what sort of tight-fisted cunt would bring a bottle of Blue Nun to a dinner party?" (to the tight fisted cunt that had).

4. (At the after-funeral drinks and sarnies for the mother of a friend who'd died of cancer) ; Me : "I'm just popping outside for a cancer stick... Fuck, sorry, that sounded really insensitive, I meant to say 'coffin nail' ...".

5. Me : "Jesus! Where did you find that weird piece of sculpture? It looks like it was made by a convicted kiddie fiddler". Indignant dinner party host : "It was made by my mother".

6. (Whilst purchasing some Durex from Boots the chemist on a very rainy day) ; Beyoutiful counter clerk : "Nice weather", Me : "For fucks ... I ... er ... I mean ducks".


1,000,000 holes in the ground wouldn't be enough.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:15, Reply)