One time,
I had been commentating on a rather important football (soccer) match.

After the match, I was having a little drink with my fellow commentator type, and I called a black fella a "Fuckin* Lazy Nigge*", as you do.

Unfortunately, I still had the mic in my hand, pressed to my lips, with the red light still blazing away. I had broadcast to the whole of the Middle East! Whoopsie!

I always knew I had a wrick in me somewhere. I should get those kind of comments out early doors. No way I can lollipop myself out of this.
( Nikfuf Eetr Northern Midlander, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 11:15, Reply)

Foot In Mouth Syndrome
Whilst having an intalectual conversation at the dinner table with my family the conversation moved onto how us humans came about, I started to go off with all this speel about tiny tiny life forms formally known as organisms but as I was rather tipsy I ended up calling them orgasms in front of many a family friend.
(Mr.Nipplecat, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 11:01, Reply)

The first of many that spring to mind
Is a bit pissed, standing in the crowd at a Charlatans gig. There are two guys next to us, and one of them is completely twatted, pulling faces and generally gurning like crazy. Happy to see someone getting into it, I turn to his mate, and tap my temples while pulling a funny face - the international sign for "He's a bit fucked, eh?"

Next thing I know this mate is in my face and really upset. "What d'you say? WHAT D'YOU SAY ABOUT MY BROTHER?"

Then I realise with horror that rather than being under the influence, his brother has leaning disabilities, and the guy in my face is HUGE...

Oh God...
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 10:51, Reply)

Parents evening
there was this one time in a parents evening a few years back when the head caught me in the corridor with the school camera to ask a student a few questions, while quizzing me on my general knoledge he askes me who the leader of the conservative party was, with a bit of hesatation i replieIan Duncan-Spliff...we havent spoken since.
(Dalatejc, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 10:38, Reply)

Not just once, but constantly!
I spent a lot of my time in the music department, and my music teacher was a christian. One lunchtime i expressed shock at something by loudly exclaiming 'Oh my God!!!!'. She over heard and was a little upset, and asked me not to do it again.

Not so bad eh? But i kept doing it over and over again for the 6 years i was at that school. I didnt meant to, i actually really liked her, but i never realised what I had done till after I had said it each time!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 10:30, Reply)

more sweeping statements that don't aid in pulling
was in a club this one time, and managed to pull this very fit lass - we found a quiet corner away from all the mongs and started talking and the like. One topic of conversation was our origins, ie. where we come from. She goes, I'm only here at uni, but I'm actually from Stoke. Without pausing for a nanosecond I piped up "Stoke?? I been there, it's a reyt shit-hole Stoke is".

Bugger.

Needless to say, I slept alone that night.
(bob_barber, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 10:25, Reply)

No matter how true, sweeping statements do not help you pull...
I was at a barbecue a while back talking to a reasonably fit, yet older woman. We got talking about my then current job (at a paternity testing lab), and she asked me if I'd learned much there.

"Single mothers give their kids fucking stupid names!" was my reply.

About an hour later the father of her child showed up with the little kid (who I didn't realise existed)

"Come here, Gryphon!" she said...
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 10:18, Reply)

whilst signing the register at my wedding...
...i made a terrible crack about my wife being "the present mrs thompson", which didnt go down well at all. then i got confused in my speech and told assembled family and friends that me and the wife slept together on our first date. cue uproar and shock.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 9:53, Reply)

'My grandad fell out of a guardtower at Auschwitz'
And then an ice cream van came along, and you know what? The music was playing, meaning there was no ice cream....
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 9:53, Reply)

Schindler's Gist
We were sat around after watching Schindler's List. All a bit pissed and stoned and ,sadly, we began telling our best holocaust jokes. This went on for a while until our previously silent friend Jim said "My grandfather died at Auschwitz.....". Cue, excruciating silence and much looking at the floor, right up to the point when he added.."He fell out of a guard tower!"
(inactionman, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 9:45, Reply)

religious gaff

when asked what i was doing on my day off on easter friday, i casually mentioned that i would be rising early to go to church. when my colleagues (staunch irish roman catholics) asked if i was religious i said "no i'm going to throw stone's at the catholics" didn't go down to well.

And once i was pissed in my mates car and we were discussing ex-girlfriends i piped up from the back "cob's last girlfriend was so big, when she walked backwards her arse went beep-beep-beep" i had completely forgotten she was sat in the passenger seat.........
( mostly harmless John Leslie raped me on, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 8:36, Reply)

Bad Boyfriend?
I was at someone's house once, for some bizarre reason the conversation turned to suicide, and one of the people there (I didn't know him very well) went a bit wierd, he said that two of his ex-girlfriends commited suicide whilst he was going out with them. The first thing that came in to my head was the first thing I said...

"You must have been a crap boyfriend!"
(mister2b, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 8:27, Reply)

Rape and Retards
I'm pretty much known as being a pretty insensitive guy who has little/no emotions or feelings, while this isn't exactly true I can understand someone thinking that after hearing some of my "opinions". The following is an example of a time when one of my "opinions" kinda got me in trouble.

First off I was expressing to a group of about 5 of my friends how I thought that the harsh prison sentences for people convicted for rape were bullshit. I suggested that rape should be equivilant to a parking ticket or speeding ticket...you pay a fine and that's it. Maybe if you get too many of them (like 10) you have to spend a week in jail or something. Well, immediately after I said that one of my friends informed me that his girlfriend had been raped at a party the previous weekend...he was serious...i felt like an ass (though i couldn't stop smiling)
(Hagiophobic, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 5:53, Reply)

Good Intentions
I was at a cafe, and noticed one of the local homeless people outside. He was peeing on a tree, and muttering, and I felt sorry for him. I decided to be a good Christian and buy him a sandwich. A ham sandwich. Unfortunately, he was Jewish.
(ladycat, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 5:04, Reply)

Oops
I got a text message from my mate Rhonda a few weeks ago that read "Feeling toey, big boy?" My husband wrote back to her saying that yes he was rather toey thank you for asking. She swears the message was for her husband...don't think I've seen the girl blush before.
(Lambswax, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 4:58, Reply)

Nothing like family embarresment.
My family is a family of teachers, with a high percentage of English teachers. My father Particularly enjoys catching grammatical mistakes. When I was younger, I knew that my other aunt also taught, and that she was often using large vocabulary and discussing grammer. I put 2 and 2 together and got 3. One night at dinner she made a grammar mistake, and emulating my father, i blurted out "no, that's wrong. An english teacher should know better." the reply to which was mostly silence and her saying "but I teach Latin." I didn't eat too much after that. I don't remember, but I think i got yelled at later for it, too.
( Or is it?, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 4:16, Reply)

there's been a few of these one-armed person gaffes.
My son (12) only has one hand. He often gets weird reactions from other kids. One younger boy stared at his arm that ends at the elbow and said " But how do, how do you....count?"
(gamera, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 3:13, Reply)

I entitle this collection: "I was a little bastard".
I can't believe how much of a nasty little shit I was as a kid. These aren't quite "accidental", in the sense that I chose to do these things, and didn't realise I was such a bastard. Some selected moments:

10 years old. Swotty snooty girl whose dad had recently died was annoying me. What was the best retort I could summon? "I'm glad your dad's dead!"

12 years old. Kid in our class was dying of cancer. I hated him because the girl I fancied had befriended him and paid all her attention to him. He finally died. The newspaper did a story on how "brave" he was, and everyone at school talked about it. I said: "He wasn't brave, he was a cry-baby little bastard!"

13 years old. Learning about Islam in RE class, shi'ite muslims, etc. I yelled out "The Shites are pissed!" Right in front of the RE teacher.

14 years old. In a formal geography essay I somehow thought it would be funny to call the French "Froggy gits". It wasn't funny any more when I was locked in a room with my Geography teacher, my French teacher, the head of Humanities and the Deputy Headmaster, to question why I seemed to dislike the French so much.

Now a non-bastard story! 14 years old. A full assembly in the hall for the whole school. Since every pupil was there, chairs had run out, and I had to sit on a box. After the full hour assembly, the headmaster said: "One final thing. The boy sat THERE" -- pointing at me -- "has been kicking the box he's been sitting on ALL HOUR. I hope he will apologise to all of us for the annoyance he has caused." I had no idea I was accidentally banging the base of the box with my heels. Earth... swallow... me!

Those are just selected moments of the secondary school years. I surpassed myself later.
( SqueakyG, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 3:12, Reply)

My dad owns a Porsche 911
and had a personalised numberplate which said something to the effect of TY 911.
He bought this numberplate not two weeks before the 9/11 attacks. To make things worse, he is also Asian.
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 3:04, Reply)

Not myself, but...
I have a male friend who recently changed his name from "Courtney" to "Court." He was frequently mistaken for a girl on official documents and letters.

A few years back in high school, on the first day of classes for the term, a teacher in then-Courtney's science class was checking to see if all students were in their properly assigned seats. She said, "There must be something wrong here, because you're sure not Courtney!" He sharply replied "I sure the hell am!"

She froze for a moment then quickly walked away.
(JEMOF, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 2:40, Reply)

haha
I was in an english class once and we were in a class discussion about our personal "inferno" (after Dante's Inferno). The teacher began to describe one of a past student where there were only two people in hell, because she only mistrusted 2 people. I laughed and loudly said "oh lucky her". The teacher tunred around and looked at me and said "the two people who broke her trust were her parents". Needless to say I was gnawing on my foot for it. ( but then again, I did just say it didn't I?)
(CrazyTreeLady, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 2:09, Reply)

Made a few
I called my ex by her sister's name in bed once. Not very social, but still dodgy.

Upon having dinner with her parents for the first time her father informed me that he made tanks, more specifically parts for tanks. My initial reaction was "I thought we were trying to stop wars?". Glares all round, never got invited round again. I think that girl jsut messed my mind up.

In the christmas period of 2002 I turned up around one minute late to work due to heavy traffic and needless to say some temp or other had had my desk. I told the manageress (A temporary manageress who had come down from Stockport) and she had a moan and said "go and have your first break now and be back here for 17:55". I did, she'd kept me waiting though so I'd spent my ten minute first break waiting for her and I had about three minutes to get outside, have a smoke and return. I made it. The next break I got co-incided with that of two of my friends. I got to the smoking area and because of the nature of it and where they were I didn't properly enter it and just looked at them. I proceeded in telling them the what happened to me earlier describing the manageress as "the short one from Stockport that's pretty foxy" and went on to describe feeligns of hate and annoyance in great detail, adding "obviously, I didn't say this to her". To my horror her voice rung out from behind me saying "Or when she's standing behind you?". I thought I was in for the sack, my two friends pissed themselves laughing, and the manageress moaned a bit. Stupidly she got my time of arrival wrong and I corrected her, putting her on the back foot and she left looking stupider than me.
(Vega31, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 1:17, Reply)

Leprosy
in a tedious chemistry lesson one day, my mild mannered friend and i were presented with two very rude (and inaccurate) portraits that the social cripple who sat behind us had drawn. of us. distressed, i turned round and said: you can talk, you f*cking LEPER.

to which my friend added venomously:

yeah. and a leper will never, ever change. its. spots.

she still didn't know what she had done wrong, even when the whole class dissolved...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 0:51, Reply)

*collar-tug*
I was at a party in early January, and my friend Mel had had enough to drink that she'd gotten all teary. Desperate to cheer her up, I told her a joke that I find absolutly hilarious about three guys, who get shat on by a "Foo Bird" two of them wipe off the shit and die horrible excrutiating deaths and the third ignores it and goes on to live a long and happy life. (punchline- if the Foo shits, wear it!)

Anyway, it turns out she was sad because her best friend had died over Christmas break. Yeah. Must be careful with the death jokes.
(dragonrose, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 0:40, Reply)

I've not been Sucking Cock
Sometimes my jaw locks up when I yawn. The only good thing is I get a day off work and a morphine drip before they can ease it back into place. I am a bloke.

So in the lunch room at work I was telling my co-workers what my dentist had told me, that oftentimes it's young hotties in college that end up locking their jaws after a weekend playing the skin flute with a new boyfriend.

I then told my co-workers what I said to the Dentist. "I don't know what to say Doc, I haven't been Sucking Dick all weekend".

Just as the female CEO of the company walked by the open door.
(arkarkark, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 0:18, Reply)

...
The bassist in my band has a severely deformed right hand, and this was never an issue (except for when i first met him, and immediately offered him a handshake). However, at our first practice, he had to leave the room a minute, so I borrowed his bass for a minute. Needless to say, asking 'Why do you use a left handed bass' did not go down too well....
(Fenriz-Hates Goffiks, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 0:16, Reply)

what's an arm between friends?
the scene - a quiet room of study where people are creating fine works of art, some in chalk, some in pastels, myself in leaky blue biro.

the actors - myself and my good friend, both lazy students, and our lecturer, a one armed balding lecturer with a humble claw on the end of his single stunted arm.

the event - struggling for artistic inspiration, i look around the room. i spy a plastic skeleton hanging from a metal frame. i look closer. the skeleton... it only has...
"HE'S ONLY GOT ONE ARM!" i exclaim loudly, turning to my friend and pointing at the skeleton... or so i did think... sadly for me, one armed lecturer man had walked directly into the path of my pointing finger at the time of my exclamation.

the emotions - he looked utterly horrified that i would mock such an affliction. i was utterly horrified that i'm such an arse.

the conclusion - i feebly tried to hide under the desk whilst one armed claw lecturer man glared at me. my friend laughed. and he still does.
(penge, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 0:13, Reply)

My worst FIM moments
1. On a trip to Mexico with friends from uni, we started hanging about with a few people that were staying on the same floor of our hotel. One of the guys only had one arm, and we referred to him as The Fugitive (never in his presence, of course). Towards the end of the week, one of my friends couldn't find one of the silver rings that he had bought in the hotel lobby. Not looking up from watching Mexican wrestling on the TV, I said "Maybe The Fugitive took it" and started laughing. When I looked around to see why no one else found my quip funny, I noticed that The Fugitive had just walked in. I don't think he clued in, however.

2. In high school, I hung around with several people who shared my ethnicity and therefore spoke the same mother language as myself. One day, we were sitting in the cafeteria at lunchtime and I started rambling on to my friend for a few minutes about the things I'd like to do to the fit girl sitting two feet away at the next table. As I'm going on, my friend starts smirking, then giggling, then laughing. I look over to see the girl staring at me before introducing herself to me in my mother language. I never did get to do any of those filthy things to her...
(doss cunt, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 0:03, Reply)

Another celebrity fuck-up
www.snopes.com/disney/wdco/ellison.htm

I love that story.
( Malchick, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 0:00, Reply)

interview gaff
Not so much a social gaff but I was being interviewed for a job with BBC Newcastle (web producer) and during my presentation I called the BBC website the "BBC webshite". Purely a slip of the tongue I swear. I really did want the job. I never got it surprise, surprise.
(natto, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 23:50, Reply)