Granny in law
I was never close to my grandparents. My Dad's mum died when I was six, and his step-dad was a cunt, so nothing there. My mum's dad died when she was ten and her mum then went nuts, so the only contact I had with her was at Christmas when we visited her in the home. She obviously had no idea who my brother and I were (she barely recognised my mum), so the yearly visits were canned after I got to about ten years old.

When other people talk about all the fun times they had with grandparents I have nothing to give to that conversation. Nothing.

Anyway, this is about my granny-in-law. My girlfriend and I had known each other for about 6 months before I was introduced to granny. What I was introduced to was a demanding, attention seeking old dodderer who was cantankerous to the last, yet somehow revered by the whole family. She even had the balls to proclaim that she 'stole the show' at her own daughter's wedding. She used to shuffle so slowly that death crawling on broken glass might have caught up with her. One time when I was waiting in perfect, painful silence with her in the lounge at the family home, she jumped off a chair and picked up a pound coin on the floor with a youthfulness that belied her grand old age. Just two minutes later, in view of the rest of the family she was complaining of being 'in constant pain' and would need help to go to the bathroom.

Things got steadily worse, her heart was failing and then the incontinence started. Think of the worst piss you have ever had after a night out, then double it. I could see when she was abut to realise she was in trouble and I became the family piss canary, whenever I was there. I thought incontinence was a completely involuntary thing, and a person would have absolutely no clue as to when the flaps would give out, but I suspect it was done on purpose. The 'piss cushion' (my words) was then rushed out at the slightest nod of the head from myself.

Anyway, she carked it. Boo hoo all round, blah blah. The funeral convoy was driving slowly down the high street, which we all watched, before we were to get in our cars and drive to the crematorium.

Then it happened.

It was so obvious that it was a funeral; people in black watching, big black cars driving slowly, etc, but this was too much for two wide-boys driving brand new minis. Instead of winding up their windows and following at a respectful 5 mph, they decided to overtake the hearse while accelerating, with drum and bass booming out of their windows.

All the women in the party were reduced to tears, and the anguish did pour. It was then that I glanced at my youngest brother-in-law, who hated granny. He hated her from the very first time he laid eyes on her, and upon his face was the broadest grin I have yet to see at a funeral.
(mersault, Fri 12 Apr 2013, 17:32, 1 reply)

"the family piss canary"
Sounds like a really shit indie band....or perhaps some sort of blue movie...
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Mon 15 Apr 2013, 10:24, closed)