Cigarette Penalty
It was the year 2000, and I arrived in a Spanish coastal town completely alone to start a six-month study placement. As usually happens, I quickly found another lost and lonely soul to pass the time with, and also get hideously drunk.

Jonas (yes! Real name!) was insane and would do anything for some cash. I had more money than sense (even though I only had about 100 pesetas to offer usually) so I would finance his daring pursuits to become infamous. Throughout our time there his feats included diving into the rat-infested port, walking the 20minutes home from the clubs starkers at 8am in the morning on a weekday, eating rubbish, setting fire to his pubes, and downing pints of Jack Daniels. The last one cost me more than 100 pesetas and a new pair of trousers after holding back his hair.

His addiction to risk grew on me, and I started accepting bets myself. I called a massive burly woman "a fucking poof", I ate rubbish, I did some skinny-dipping.

We started playing cards when we had no money to go out. These card games would go on for hours and hours and usually involved simple games like "Snap"for such poker-retarded people as ourselves. We started doing forfeits when we lost. That's when I had to do the worst forfeit of my entire life upon losing three games of Snap in a row. I had to sit and smoke one after the other a pack of cigarettes. Now, I'm a smoker so it wouldn't usually be a hardship. But we'd agreed on Satan's tobacco, the devil of all cancer-sticks.... the Spanish brand of black tobacco "Ducados". If you've never had to smoke one of these devils in stick form, you cannot understand the absolute horror of smoking 20 in a row. I puked for about 3 days, and even now 9 years later the smell of a Ducado is enough to make me gip uncontrollably. I feel sick now.
Good times.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Mon 11 May 2009, 16:35, 11 replies)

noooo
how can you say this about the nicest cigarette in the world?
(santas_lil_hohoho is packing her vibrator suitcase, Mon 11 May 2009, 19:15, closed)

You are sick
Away with you
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 10:13, closed)

100 pesetas?
wow that was like 50p
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Mon 11 May 2009, 20:51, closed)

you gip uncontrollably?
you must get through some amount of bacon lardons and string
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Mon 11 May 2009, 20:53, closed)

Whatever do you mean?
"Gip" is Yorkshire speak for almost throw up. You know that "blah" moment when it comes up and goes back down.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 10:13, closed)

gip
the act of gipping involves tying bits of bacon on a string and inserting them into ones anus. At the moment of orgasm the string and attached bits of bacons are whipped from ones anus which apparently creates a heightened sense of pleasure and hence more intense orgasm, or so i am told....
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Tue 12 May 2009, 10:16, closed)

What world do you live in?!
Sounds like a fun one.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 12:13, closed)

^
This was called wolf-bagging 'round our way.
(Ja For Sure, Tue 12 May 2009, 13:38, closed)

They are beautiful cigarettes...
I brought some back - lovely soft packet.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Tue 12 May 2009, 1:33, closed)

Anyone who likes Ducados
deserves to be on a register.

Even the Spaniards hardly touch them, that's how BAD they are.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 10:14, closed)

Anis del Mono
goes well with Ducados. Dead lungs and liver for under 3 euros.
(Ja For Sure, Tue 12 May 2009, 13:39, closed)