this
was a reply to an earlier post but i felt that it would stand alone as it's own post (though slightly out of context but i'm sure you'll get the gist)

Some people coming from an abusive relationship with their parent(s) may not have the emotional, physical or intellectual capacity or fortitude to distinguish (and therefore make an effort to eradicate) "bad" behavior that they know is "bad". it's a herculean task for most to come to terms and make an effort to be "good", despite all they have been told or experienced.in my opinion,to attain (and maintain) a healthy sexual, emotional and intellectual disposition takes a hell of a lot of work, regardless of your past circumstances, especially in times like these ( is there any other kind?)

the hardest thing for me was to forgive. i'll never forget, but when i truly forgave (not to sound like a twat but i probably do) the scales fell from my eyes, and i could breath and live again.

i burnt her up 8 years ago now. for a time i hated her more than i thought it possible to hate another human being. the only person i have ever really hated, actually. hated her the only way a son could hate his mother, for i loved her as much. still do ( love her).

i'm not a "hard" man, nor do i wish to be. by all accounts, and judging by your logic i should fucking well be, and have every right to be.but it's hard to be hard. too much energy spent for no beneficial end. it's so exhausting being angry ad nauseum. it's just not my bag (or rather it's no longer my bag). i want (and will) to love my wife and kids when the time comes.to give them what i didn't have at the time. but the only way to do that is to love yourself first, which sometimes seems impossible.

for the record i know my mother loved me to the ends of the earth. she was the most intelligent, empathetic, stubborn and vital person i have ever known. but she didn't love herself.she was a star. and then she was a supernova. i reel in her wake, eat her dust, and still roil from her energy. she drank herself to death.

the greatest contradiction in my life is how she was such an epic fail, yet she infused within my brother and i the tools and temperance to be compassionate, understanding, and tough as nails =)

live and let live (within reason - personally not down with paedos, thieves and the like)

let sleeping dogs lie

forgive, but never forget

i'd do anything to hear her voice again. i see her in dreams, and for that i am blessed.

R.I.P mom, because i know you never had peace in your waking life.

that being said, this is my post, really not meaning to come off as a righteous twat. it's late, and this QOTW has obviously cut me to the quick.

there are no things - only possibilities
UNCERTAINTY IS CERTAIN

edit - to be fair, i am very much my mother's son. i just intend to go about parenthood the other way around =) i'm 33 ><
(goorf, Mon 4 May 2009, 7:19, 1 reply)

That was a wonderful post.
Good luck with the future although I doubt you'll need it.
( girlinthehole, Mon 4 May 2009, 10:09, closed)