'There's 3 things you should do to get through a war'
This was, at least before it was rudely interrupted, my grandfather's finest and wisest set of words. This was during WW2, when he was tasked with driving an ammunition truck round the back of a combat zone whilst giving an interview for the army press about survival tips.

'Don't smoke. It's disgusting stuff and puts women off you. Also, don't drink and drive.'

'And the third thing?' asked the journalist.

'Always keep your map by your heart so you don't get lost.'

'That's pretty good advice for a soldier', he remarked.

'Indeed it is, and one day I shall stick to it, but I lost the map in the bar prior to coming on duty tonight.'

That evening, my grandfather drove half a mile through a minefield before fate caught up with him and launched the truck onto its back. The journalist survived, but my foolish relative spent the rest of his days lumbered with metal plates and pins. He took up smoking soon after.

Says a lot about my family.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 20 May 2010, 16:32, Reply)