Thanks Dad
took a long time to realise that the advice my parents were so fond of doling out was in the main part true and wise. That their years of life experience trumped mine and a lot of what I'd been through, they'd been through as well.

But the piece of advice that stuck with the most, was when I was much younger and a very angry person. I was about fourteen and though I wasn't exactly a fighter I certainly wasn't very calm. I never picked fights but I did get bullied a fair amount, and sometimes my temper would snap and I would do things I regretted.

So one night my father sat me down, told me he understood that I was going through a tough time, that he understood that just because I was a girl didn't mean I necessarily had the tools to deal with a situation. He told me 'if you're going to fight, and there is absolutely no way out, never throw the first punch, whether physical or mental.' I'd heard that before but the fact of the matter was I was 14, five foot one and about seven stone, if I let them punch me first I was going down.

So he told me a story of growing up in Belfast. Of moving there from South Africa after his father died when he was about ten, going to Ireland first, then Northern Ireland and having his mother die soon after. Of going to a Catholic school and being told continually he was a second class citizen merely because he was Catholic. Of the times when if a fight was picked it meant something. The story of an older boy picking on him because my dad had an odd accent, had lived with 'darkies' and because he was Catholic. How it eventually boiled down to a fight between them in front of their mates, and how my dad won, and turned to walk away only to have the other boy jump up and knock him to the ground when his back was turned. Eventually my dad won again, and he told me how he held the other boy down and spat in his face.

I was horrified. My dad is a headteacher now, and the most peaceable man alive. He doesn't even like violent films and I couldn't imagine that he would do such a thing. But he told me that, that ended the fight. A fight is not over until you win it, and you have not won until the other person knows they have lost.

I have never been in a physical confrontation since that age, and I never want to. But in every other area of life that has worked for me. I never pick a fight or get angry until the very last moment when pushed beyond endurance. And then I keep fighting until they've lost. Doesn't always work, but I don't concede.

So the best piece of advice I ever got was don't bother expending your energy and passion on anything minor. Wait for the big stuff and then fight it every step of the way
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:05, Reply)