Felt the need to get this off my chest, sorry...
The first time I met Mr. Rinder (who will be called Thomas from now on) was about 4 years ago now, at a party. A mutual friend introduced us and although I had never seen this guy before in my life, he was quite drunk and clung to me for what seemed like hours. The happiness I felt when I finally managed to get away from him is hard to describe!
A year later we pretty much knew all the same people, and he and I striked up a conversation through a message board all these people were on about words that sound good. We regularly sent each other long lists of words, until one day he suggested that we go out for a drink and a gig that evening. I had just gotten out of a painful relationship and wasn't looking for anything outside of friendship, but off we went and a great time was had. The minute we started talking we couldn't stop, although the bar was filled with people we both knew we basically ignored all of them and only had eyes for each other.
Since that day we were pretty much inseperable, although I was still in high school and he worked (we had a ten year age gap between us) we saw each other every day, usually just talking for hours on end or listening to The Velvet Underground over and over again. (Especially the self-titled album, in case anyone cares!)
After a while it became clear to everyone but us that there was more happening than just 'being friends'. One night I invited a friend over to Thomas' place so we could all watch a movie together, Thomas and I were sitting underneath a blanket when suddenly our hands found each other. Much fumbling ensued and although it was raining cats and dogs outside, as soon as the film was over I kicked my friend out. It was initially awkward until we literally jumped each other's bones a few seconds later... I never really left his house again.

We were together for two years. After a few months we moved into an apartment together and redecorated everything, bought new furniture, we intended to stay together forever.
Unfortunately not everything works out the way we want them to, I suppose. I was in a dark place with my personal life at the time, I dropped out of school, was very depressed,... We lived together but he basically supported me, and although I wanted to work, everything I tried just turned out wrong.
Because I was so unhappy with myself I was constantly wondering if I was enough for him and if I maybe shouldn't find someone else. We talked about this very openly and he was very understanding, I never did anything to hurt him though.

Although I was very depressed I still did help him with a lot: I gave him his confidence back after his ex had smashed it to pieces, I encouraged him to find a new job and eventually become self-employed, I motivated him to do another course at uni during the evenings,... And he tried to help me to, but I guess I didn't want to be helped.

The last two months of our relationship were a hell: all the trust was gone, neither of us had ever cheated but it felt like it was only a matter of time. We hardly spoke anymore, did more and more things on our own, and eventually we just had to break up.

The night we broke up we spent five hours crying in each others arms. He told me how he wished we could meet again in a few years time and maybe we could actually be together then, in better circumstances. I told him how I hoped we could still remain friends, because since the day I met him he had been my best friend, my partner, my support in everything I did.

I went back to my parents. When I called him the next day he didn't want to speak to me.
It's been five months since we broke up and although I was actually relieved to be out of such a painful relationship the first month, it hurts more and more every day. He's had a new girlfriend for a few months now, which makes it even worse is that I know he was in love with her for a while long before he met me. I've gotten my own life back on the rails completely, am going back to school and working a lot while also having time for my own hobbies, but it feels so meaningless without him. Every day something stupid happens and I wish I could tell him about it. I can't sit in a bar without thinking about what happened when we were there together. I can't use my computer anymore because he gave it to me as a gift for my birthday. I can't cook anymore because it makes me think of every meal we had together. I suer as hell can't listen to the Velvet Underground anymore... Every time I think it's getting better, it suddenly takes a turn for the worse.

I miss him so much and I'll never be able to tell him. He asked me to meet up two weeks ago but I can't be just 'a friend' to him, then I'd rather be nothing at all. I just hope all of this will someday pass, I find it very hard to imagine at the moment. If I just find someone half as great one day I'll consider myself very lucky indeed.
(St. Dymphna, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 23:05, 3 replies)

:(
I feel so terrible for you. I'm a bit tearful, too. I'm sure it will get better, although it doesn't seem it at the moment, it will.

If I was you, I'd buy a new computer. I suppose there's always a chance you'll get back together but I'd try and move on.

:( Stick in there, /hugehug.
(I've got the clap has some cool sentence here, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 0:26, closed)

I'd really really like to say that it' d work out
but from personal experience, it doesn't.

Having said that, I hope you find some new and other happiness in your life, but please don't dwell on the past. That's a killer. Unfortunately, in my case, that's how it turned out.

With best wishes, Dr T.
(Dr Teeth Who asked you, you fuckin' hobbit?, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 0:52, closed)

Thank you both so much
I hope I didn't come across as too "woe is me" because mainly I just get on with everything and don't look at all these feelings, and my friends are very patient with me but even they probably have enough of hearing about it ;)
A few stories just really hit me hard on here and well, if you can't tell a bunch of random strangers about it, who can you tell?
(St. Dymphna, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 12:35, closed)