If you look up "gullible" in the dictionary...
...you'll find a picture of my grade eight best friend, Chris Watson. I use his name in the expectation that he doesn't know how to use a computer, and that his name is common enough.

Anyway, I was the evil genius nerd and he was my big lunkheaded friend, foil, and victim. I used every opportunity to outwit him, sometimes just for the sport of it.

1/4: He invited me over to show me the porn magazine he'd somehow obtained. I ended up going over there each week, and hatched a cunning plan to take it. The plan? Stuff it in my backpack and hope everything turns out alright. He cornered me the next day, and I suggested maybe he left it out and his dad found it. Got me off the hook.

A long time after this, he had a larger porn collection, and that went missing only to turn up later in his father's closet. I asked if the skin mag he'd accused me of stealing was in there. He answered "Yes." To this date I don't believe in karma.

2/4: He had this interesting delusional habit where he would pick a persona and live it for a time. For a month, he was The Nature Boy Ric Flair, he was the Narcissus (both WWE wrestlers), he was Captain Kirk (and I was naturally his Vulcan sidekick), and for the longest period, he was Lord Vader. I always enjoyed playing into his delusions.

Every Sunday I went to my Ukrainian grandmother's house, where I learnt that "You stupid" in Ukrainian is (pronounced phonetically): "tih durnay." So I went to Lord Vader and told him "tih durnay" is Klingonese for "Hail the lord." I got half our class shouting "You stupid!" at him, only for him to respond genially with "That's right" or "Thank you." It went on for months, and he didn't learn the truth until the next academic schoolyear.

3/4: The "tih durnay" secret was revealed to him by a mutual friend who was angry at me for something. Knowing that a good pummelling was imminent, I decided the only alternative was to allow him onto the ground level of another, similar prank.

I chose the word "shusnak," another Ukrainian word, this time meaning "garlic." I told him that it really meant something rude (can't remember what now). And I told Chris (no longer Lord Vader at this point) that I'd convinced my other friend Greg that it means "Nice hair." Of course it doesn't--it means garlic. Then I let Greg in on the whole thing, and told him that every time Chris says "shusnak" to him, he has to run a hand through his hair and say "Thanks." It happened once, and sent Chris into fits of laughter and made Greg wonder if I was being truthful to him. Kept me from getting beat up, at any rate.

4/4: Chris was angry at me. Yeah, I know, not much of a surprise. Maybe it's from the time I pulled his chair back as he was sitting down, and he hit the back of his head hard. Or maybe it's because I kicked him full force square in the nuts because he was being too aggressive in a football game. Doesn't really matter now.

How could I get out of this one? By promising to complete his science homework. It was a simple fill-in-the-blanks worksheet, single page double-sided, and we marked our own papers in class while the teacher read out the correct answers, after which we were on the honour system to report to the teacher the correct grade. I had to complete the assignment myself, so it was really no trouble at all, just copying 20 words.

I gave the dumbest possible answer for every question. On that sheet, I think he ended up with 30%. As we were marking them in class, Chris glared at me from the far side of the classroom.

After class, he was furious. So I promised to do the next one for him. One week later, and he's glaring at me in class as he's marking his worksheet, only to find that it's even worse than last time.

Well, he was having none of it. In the hallway after class he confronted me, and I promised to do the next worksheet for him. The cycle was broken, however, as he was absent when we were marking that one in class. Sometimes I wonder how long I could've kept it going.

We fell out of touch the next year, as I was placed in the smart kids class along with all my smart kids friends. By high school we drifted apart. I later heard he started doing coke and helped break into the school computer lab to steal equipment for drug money. Apparently his conscience got the better of him and he turned himself and his partners-in-crime in, getting all three of them expelled. I honestly have no idea where he is now.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 10:40, 1 reply)

Yay
You were in the smart kids class... you evil genius nerd you.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 11:07, closed)