The finest human malt in all the land.
Perhaps not the end times for all of existance but the kitchen of Flat 3, Block B shall never be the same that's for sure.

Being in the first year at uni and living in a student community miles away from most urban life whilst drunk for 50% of the time does not a happy house make. Me and a flatmate had ticked 'lively' on our application forms, and 'mixed' too, hoping for a nice spread of roomies.

It didnt quite work out as hoped when we realised that our friends and us were the least hygienic twats on earth when mullered.

Within a couple of months our flat was chosen to be the designated drinking area prior to any nights out for our 6 strong group; what this meant was 3 or 4 nights of every week congregating within said kitchen with unlimited beers, a bottle or two of tequila, 3litres of cider each and plenty of blackcurrant. As the year went on and we became shadows of our former, sporty, pre-uni selves our levels of laziness soared to new, previously undiscovered heights. This stretched eventually to urination. The kitchen was, by the new year, kitted out with a cd player/radio, ipod docking station and deck of cards, rendering any reasons to leave void, bar when moving on into town. Having plenty of empty vessels at our disposal we decided to construct a carefully positioned wall of re-filled alcohol bottles-cum-urinals atop some cupboards and let them mature gently.

The cleaners wisely left well alone and we finally ran out of room to put them. Eventually in may the regrettable time came for us to dispose of our produce in the form of a note from management succinctly worded thus:

"EMPTY BOTTLES NOW"

So my flatmate and I and our friend alex sorrowfully took the task upon ourselves (i should mention there were other things we were forced at this point to remedy, i.e. sick/piss filled sinks, cupboards caked with mould etc). Little did we know that leaving the lids of the bottles unsecured and exposing the liquid to the elements led to a small growth at the bottom of each bottleneck which was around 1cm in thickness and resembled a leperous mushroom on one side and a cross between a mutant ear and a bacteria metropolis on the other.

One of our friends having chlamydia didnt help either, and the smell that was unleashed when we unplugged these corks of death led to dry heaving en masse.

Suffice to say that we are the only 2 living there still, several of our flatmates moving out up to 2months b4 end of year exams.

Pic taken with the shelf half-full:



Juan 'The Jar' Bonita, Defender of the Liquids:


( Deexan, Sat 23 Jun 2007, 19:04, Reply)