Penile Wrongness
This will make you wince, if you're a bloke. It may even make you wince if you're a woman, but I wouldn't know, I'm not one.

A firend of mine and I were trying to outdo each other on the wrongest porn we'd ever seen on one long train journey once. Obviously, the usual subjects came up, goatse and its many variants, things put in a vagina that by rights just shouldn't fit (and that is bearing in mind that babies are supposed to emerge from there).

Anyway, the nest day, I received an e-mail from him containing a link and a message saying that a) he'd won, and b) if I didn't click on the link, he'd never respect me as a man again. Curse my youthful machismo!

So, on the link I clicked. It was a fairly typical bad porn scene, consisting of two ropey old people, one of whom, presumably the male, who had an unfeasibly large yet lumpy penis. So far, so ordinary. A few minutes in, a large puple dildo is produced from somewhere. Admittedly, it hadn't yet been something I'd watch for pleasure, but still, I didn't see what was so bad.

The the scene cut to the woman, with that typically vacuously naughty look of women in porn, hunching over the man's swollen bell-end clutching the big dildo. Did I mention it was big? she then stuck her finger down his jap's-eye, making me wince, only to withdraw it and plunge the big dildo deep into the darkest recesses of his urethra. Jesus Christ, woman! No, don't move it up and down! Don't groan! Don't, for the love of god, go faster! Or deeper! My eyes!

I felt dirty, used, and, to no small degree, ill. George, as ever, had won. I still haven't quite forgiven him.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Mon 25 Jun 2007, 21:15, Reply)