The Anti-Kev, a bit of a pea
as i've already mentioned, my best ever houseguest was Kev. the worst was my ex, Paul, who shall henceforth be known as Creepy Thin Man, or CTM.
CTM turned up on my doorstep a few months after we'd broken up, covered in blood. seems he'd been attacked by a bloke for chatting up his underage daughter. he begged me to let him stay for a while, as he was scared of going home. like a prize-winnig tit, i agreed. i made it clear immediately that any bedroom privileges he may have had in the past were no longer available and he'd have to sleep on the couch.
for the first few days, it wasn't too bad. we'd never lived together before, so we were being a bit polite with each other.
that didn't last.
when i went to bed, i'd tell him not to leave the telly on all night as electricity isn't free and i'm not made of money. he said of course, he'd have it switched off by 1 a.m. however, as my bedroom was next to the living room, i'd wake up in the morning and be able to hear the telly. unfortunately, as soon as the sneaky little bastard heard me getting out of my very squeaky bed, he'd switch it off and pretend to be asleep.
during the whole time he stayed with me, he never gave me any money for food or bills, claiming that he owed all his benefit money to his mum to pay off some massive bill. yes, i should have thrown him out, but like frodo faced with gollum, i felt pity for him. he told me his mother hated me, which i can understand as my mother has been like that with mine and my sisters' boyfriends. it's just a mum thing. so, i continued to feed and house this parasite for six months, stretching my meagre budget to its limits and beyond.
one monday, i woke up to find him gone. the telly was on, there was a sink full of dishes, all my smokes had vanished and there were blankets strewn across the floor. of him, however, there was no trace. knowing how weird he can be, i decided i'd wait till hhe got back, then get him to tidy his mess up.
by tuesday afternoon, i was getting a bit anxious. i'd called his mobile, which was switched off. eventually, i phoned his mum. we had a good old chinwag, me and his mum. seems she really liked me and was upset when we split up. since moving in with me, CTM had told her that we were getting engaged. it also turned out that although he did indeed owe her a very large sum of money, he hadn't been giving her a penny of it. he'd told her he was giving all his cash to me for household bills.
to say that i was pissed off was an understatement.
wednesday passed, still with his phone switched off and no sign of him. as i was about to turn in for the night, the phone rang. it was him. he wanted to talk to me. i had a few choice words for him, so i told him to come round.
when he arrived, it all came out. he'd saved all his money to go to leeds and shag some munter he'd met online. he got there to discover she wasn't the nubile 19-year-old model she'd claimed, but a 40-year-old housewife. he still stayed a few days to shag her. that is, until her husband got home. the worst part is, he actually couldn't see what he'd done wrong and thought i'd welcome him back with open arms. his arms were holding his bin-bagged belongings in record time and i ushered him forcefully out of the door, ignoring his plaintive mewlings that he'd done nothing wrong.
he's been stalking me a bit lately, i think i may have to give him a smacking.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 0:22, 7 replies)

Wow. I knew a lying Gollum of a Paul too.
Complete with his mum being upset we'd split. Are you me in an alternate reality?
( Bats, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 8:38, closed)

Me too
Must be something about the name?
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 12:45, closed)

me three
some of the BS he has come out with over the years is incredible!
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 14:09, closed)

the knob just knocked at my door!
gone 11 at night and he expects to come in! i took one look at him and said "no. just no. go away." then shut the door on him.
cheeky bastard knocked again and asked if he could stay! it was all i could do not to twat him!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 23:22, closed)

possibly
especially if you're sugar crashing right now :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 14:02, closed)

prize winning tit?
what's wrong with the other one?
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 11:37, closed)

it's a tiny bit smaller

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 14:01, closed)