Turn it up to ELEVEN !!!
There comes a time when strapping two tea trays to your feet with duct tape and skiing down stairs wears thin.

There comes a day when all the powder fire extinguishers have been drained and the episodes of making your mates look like Casper the friendly ghost (only a drunk, pissed off choking variant) are but memories.

Yep. I'm talking third year at university.

It was a sunny Sunday morning in our large shared house. A great big detached place next to a graveyard. I was sprawling in the living room with the five other lads I shared with, watching Countryfile and drinking Skol - the usual Sunday morning routine. We were all too skint to do anything constructive, and doing some study was about as alien a concept to us as Leonardo da Vinci singing in a death metal band.

After an hour of bliss involving tractors, sheep, and border collies, the tv was turned off and somebody put some nice mellow easy listening on. Metallica, The Black Album.

It didn't take long for an idea to form in my booze-addled brain.

"Hey, we've all got this cd, right?" A few grunts and shrugs, which counted as a ringing endorsement from this lot. "Well, why don't we all play it simultaneously? Lets see how loud we can make it!"

A few more grunts and shrugs, "Its a plan" said my mate Betty (named after the Betty Ford clinic), as he downed his latest can of Scandinavian skull-fucker. We dispersed to our respective rooms except for Betty who remained with the beast of a stereo we had set up in the living room.

We'd already decided which track to play.

After a few minutes of fucking around we were ready.

"Five - Four - Three - Two - One!!! PLAY!!!"

And the house shook to its foundations!

It was like the building had a POUNDING heartbeat. The floorboards pulsed, the light fixtures danced, shit fell off shelves, windowframes creaked and groaned to the driving and almighty racket of -

SAY YOUR PRAYERS LITTLE ONE
DON'T FORGET, MY SON
TO INCLUDE EVERYONE -

A car alarm went off outside.

Ohh, this is good! I thought.

I loitered at the top of the stairs shouting down to Betty about how big and clever we were. The other lads were doing exactly the same. It was a real self-congratulatory love-in for about ten minutes. Then I ventured down to the living room for a change of scenery. The fucking walls were THROBBING and a strange dull whistling noise had developed in my ears, it was great.

Now, we had one of those stained glass front doors in the house, and as I cleared the last step I noticed a shape of a person outside.

Fuck!

It was only when I strained my hearing really hard I could make out the determined and constant banging on the door.

Oh, shit!

I strolled over and opened the door and there was a bloke standing there in a dress.

A black dress.

He was only a young fella, about my age, but I could tell he really wasn't into Metallica at all. He was very clean cut looking. If it wasn't for the dress he could've worked in a bank, or been one of those normal-looking psychopaths you see on the news and think: bloody hell, he looked so normal! His eyes were bulging and spit was spraying out of his mouth as he shouted above the racket.

"DO YOU KNOW WE'RE TRYING TO CONDUCT A FUNERAL OVER HERE!!! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR THE DEAD???"

Fuck...

Our house was pretty isolated, backing onto a graveyard, trees and other green twattery everywhere. Only we'd forgotten that over the other side of the lovely field littered with tombstones was the parish church of Saint Stephen All Saints.

The curate calmed down when we switched the music off. But I swear to this day he uttered the word: "cunts!" under his breath as he turned and stormed back down the way he'd came.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 23:37, 6 replies)

Nearly choked laughing
Thinking about all the times my flatmates asked me "Are you trying to wake the dead?" if my music was too loud. It seems more fitting in your case. :P
(Helixdaunting, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 2:51, closed)

You!
Are going to hell!

*click*
(Save Us All !!!, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 8:02, closed)

just got into the office and read this
clicks.

thanks for making me laugh out load, pal
(Errin C, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 8:04, closed)

My brother likes Metallica alot
too much.

I am nearly deaf now because of him.

Have a click for the Leonardo da Vinci bit!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 8:08, closed)

Love it...!

Also love the Spinal Tap reference in the title...

If only you had played something in 'D Minor', for it is 'the saddest of keys'...

clicksville!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 9:20, closed)

*laments many missed opportunities*
Have a click for doing something I now wish I'd tried.
( Moey, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 10:40, closed)