Uni Halls
When I was in halls I had two foreign flatmates...Franz, the reclusive Swede, and Edwin, the lovely, gentle Taiwanese who barely spoke any English.

Edwin was great, he wore a vest and shorts all the time, did bicep curls with his desk chair, and could climb like a monkey along the skirting boards in the corridor in the flat.

He also had a boiled egg with everything he ate. He was about ten years older than all of us but was really sweet and innocent, and everybody loved him and tried to look out for him because his lack of English meant he was failing everything at Uni. And he was only there because his girlfriend back in Taiwan had left him. He was great though.

Franz on the other hand, peaked early. He seemed great at first, took us to Ikea and introduced us to raw haddock and Swedish schnapps, and loved the ladies...as we all did. He became a bit of a recluse though, took his work too seriously, and never really joined in the fun.

Anyway, the highlight of Franz was at Christmas. He brought us back some genuine Swedish Porn. It was a grotty magazine with a free video. The video was fairly run of the mill porn, a girl being banged in a tree by three men I seem to remember was one of our favourites.

But the main event of the video, was a woman fucking a plant. A plant sort of like this, except about 5 feet tall and about 7cm wide - farm1.static.flickr.com/6/5449708_d55d1d7d1f.jpg

She sawed it in half, sanded to get rid of the rough edges, then lubed it up, and fucked it. It was really weird, but she loved it. Poor plant, I thought, didn't stand a chance.

I was watching this with a couple of mates from home who came through for New Year and didn't leave for a few days. So, picture the scene, three hungover Scots, eating bacon rolls, lying on the couch, watching some mental Swedish girl have sex with a giant plant...and in walks Edwin with two other just-off-the-boat-from-repressed-part-of-the-world friends of his, and immediately spots the TV.

"Ooh" he says, slightly startled.

"BBC?" he mumbles, slightly bemused.

"Erm, no" I said..."video."

"You know, mooovviiieeee" I said slowly...as the backed out of the room nervously.

He didn't watch much TV with us after that.

I don't know where he is now, but I know he had to repeat because he did indeed fail everything because the Uni enrolled him despite his atrocious English. Maybe he went to Sweden?
(Zutroy started without you, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 0:44, Reply)